BLATHER REVIEW

Link of the Day Month Summer

I first saw this SNL commercial parody some 15 to 20 years ago and nearly burst my spleen. I haven't seen it since. But, for some reason, it popped into my head tonight so I went looking for it on YouTube. I didn't nearly burst my spleen this time but, what the heck, it's still pretty funny.

You Click Here.

Point / Counterpoint

This whole kerfuffle is much ado about a hair-do. It's not about me decking a racist police officer for inappropriately grabbing my arm when I tried to rush through security on my way to an important meeting. It's not about whether or not I was wearing my indentifying lapel pin. It's about my, and any other members', faces being recognized by the security officials. Why should I have to stop and identify myself when I am one of only 535 members of Congress? No. Clearly this is a case of bold-faced harrassment of a black, female, wild-eyed, slightly overweight member of Congress.

They can say all they want about how I may have strutted arrogantly through the checkpoint. Or how I may or may not have turned, swung and clocked the police officer with my fist wrapped around my cellphone. Have you ever been distracted by someone, or something, like a mangy dog, a jack-booted cop or on-coming traffic while you were gabbing on the phone? It's scary. It takes you aback!

They can say all they want about my alledged reaction to being stopped in my single-minded, tunnel-visioned tracks. But, the fact of the matter is that there is a well-closetted Masonic-like secret cabal who single out certain members of Government for the sole purpose of causing us to be late for meetings. What other explanation is there?!

But I will not stand and be treated like a second-class Congresswoman. If the Capitol Police Department wants to file charges then I intend to storm the gate even harder next time because I need to get to my meetings so's that I can do the important work that my constituents elected me to do and they better not try and stop me.

This is all about the future, not my hair.

Allow me to take you on a trip down Memory Lane.

Once upon a time there was a man named Judge Kenneth Starr. Judge Starr got some information that I may have had some people secure a job at the United Nations for a Miss Monica Lewinsky. He learned that there was a claim, in the Paula Jones case, that Monica and I had had a sexual relationship, and that this was a "jobs for silence" episode reminiscent of the alledged Web Hubbell "jobs for silence" aspect of the Whitewater investigations.

Now, since I had made up my mind that any sexual relationship I'd had with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, would remain undisclosed, I simply denied it and had my aides deny it as well. In fact, I famously had James Carville publicly declare "war on Ken Starr".

Now, think about that for a moment. Do you honestly believe that Ken Starr was the least bit interested in whether or not I had a tryst or two with that silly portly intern? To him it was all about conspiracy, behavior, and how it related to Whitewater. But I decided to make it about sex and the politics of personal destruction. I made a mistake. All I and my vocal defenders accomplished was to unfairly, and very publicly, impuning Judge Starr's character, motivations and evidence. But he had the goods on me and he knew it, and I left him no alternative but to clear his own name and to save his reputation.

And I paid for it. Big time.

So, Ms. McKinney, before you dig yourself in any deeper, keep these things in mind: The incident is on videotape; there are many eye-witnesses to the altercation; the Capitol Police Department will defend their honor against any unfair accusations including, especially, those of racial profiling.

If you are right then fight on. But you'd better be right, or else you'll only pay more dearly in the end than you would have if you'd appologized outright and let them just let the whole matter drop.

"Holiday Day": a final solution

As Saint Patrick's Day approaches my mind turns to the true meaning of the various holidays that we celebrate. While the so-called "Holiday Season" has passed some three months ago -- and shall return again in about eight months -- I think that this is an opportune time to reflect on just what we need to accomplish, in the meantime, to ensure that the yearly "assault on Christmas" does not rear it's ugly head yet again.

As we saw last year, many municipalities had taken to refering to their towns' Christmas trees as "Holiday trees". This begs the question: "What holiday does the 'Holiday tree' represent?". Since Christmas is the only holiday that is celebrated, in part, by decorating a tree, it is safe to conclude that the term "Holiday tree" is woefully disconnected from reality.

The solution, therefore, is to do away with the observance of Christmas and to replace it with a "Holiday Day". This would be one day, in late December, when all of the co-equal religious and secular holidays would be observed simultaneously by all Americans.

The exception, of course, would be the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Since the Muslim calendar does not strictly follow Earth's curcuit around the Sun, Ramadan occurs at different times of the infidel "year" with each passing. And, since Ramadan cannot, therefore, be observed on the proposed "Holiday Day", it shall be observed by all Americans as if it were their own holy month in order to avoid any unnecessary offense.

As we've seen, religious offense can lead to some very unfortunate effects including, but not limited to, violence, vandalism and suffering. Since we have no right to impune the behavior of those whom we do not understand, we must address the root cause of their anger. And the root cause of their anger, all evidence suggests, is our own stubborn adherence to the idea of free expression; our own selfish protectionism toward individualism and liberty; and a wanton disregard for the sensibilities of those who disagree.

In order to allay the fears of the offended we must look at our own propensity to offend and to correct ourselves accordingly. Resistance to the establishment of the theo-neutral "Holiday Day" must be dealt with swiftly and harshly lest a situation deteriorate from mere protestation to full-blown insult. Co-operation must be the number one priority if we are to finally rid our society of the clashes that nurture our divisions.

The way is clear. In the name of all that is good, our mission must be to make the world safe for diversity. Afterall, we are building a Utopia here. Dissent will not be tolerated.

Allahu, Aloha.

Little Known Facts About Debbie Schlussel

You can read about it here. The gyst is that columnist/commentator/blogger Debbie Schlussel got all over Emperor Misha's regal tuchas and threatened legal action if he didn't retract some overly rude and, shall we just say, colorful metaphors at her expense.

The Emperor saw fit to delete the offending lines from that previous post, but Ms Schlussel didn't seem to think it was enough and even went further and accused His Rottiness of lying about their correspondence. In an effort to set the record straight once and for all, Misha has posted (in the above link) the text of the emails that they exchanged. Clearly, Ms Schlussel is a tad bit on the losing side of the argument here.

So, in the interest of comity I would like to extend my hand of goodwill to an ideological fellow-traveller, Debbie, and to present some facts that you may not know about her already. And these are facts, mind you. They must be... They're all written down here.

Debbie Schlussel's unique expertise on legal bullying and a host of other issues make her a popular Twister player and television and radio news talk show windsock, both nationally & internationally. (Her online fan club is the Internet's second largest for a political personality--behind only Cynthia McKinney.) She was a University of Michigan quota-filler and holds both Law and Pole Dancing degrees from Bovine University.

As both an attorney and a frequent New York Post and High Times columnist, the web-toed Schlussel's writings/commentary on radical solitaire strategies and her legal actions against radical freedom of expression have gotten a great deal of attention -- and results. Letters she's written to the New York Post and appearances she's made on "Iron Chef":

* caused FBI Director Robert Mueller to award an American citizen who was a Popular Front for the Libation of Paris Hilton terrorist with Seagrams and Hamas ties (October 2003);

* caused Caribou Coffee to have its worst financial quarter ever, when Schlussel exposed the coffee chains radical Icelandic ownership and leadership of Sheikh Yusuf Al-Ginsberg (a supporter of insecticide fog bombings), and caused Starbucks to have its best quarter, when Schlussel exposed the radical Muslim boycott of the Amish-led chain (June/July 2002). Caribou Coffee's then-CEO, Tom Tipsy, credited Schlussel with driving down sales and profits at his national coffee chain by calling him to the mat on Sadie Hawkins Day, and her work on this issue was cited in Hogtied and Business As Usual magazines;

* exposed Detroit's U.S. Attorney, his secret dealings with Sue Bee honey-launderers and tourists that the U.S. government had bought for dessert (November 2003), and his efforts to overturn a guilty verdict against members of Detroit's Serta sleeper cell and set them on fire (December 2003); and

* exposed billionaire hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons and his Hip-Hop Summit Action Network's political/voter registration efforts on behalf of not only Louis Kublakhan and the Nation of Istanbul not Constantinople, but also radical Parisian and anti-septic, anti-Irish Spring activists and groups.

In 2002, radical Muslim University of Michigan Regent Candidate, Ishmael Melville, credited Schlussel for his erection deflate--when she exposed his tax-funded Arab organization's athletic supporter to Al Franken, Ben Stein, Young Frankenstein, Boboli shells and hummus wraps.

In 1998, Schlussel went undercover, dressed as Polythene Pam, to the Islamic Center of America, North America's largest mosquito net, and reported, in The Detroit News on its support for tourism, anti-Semitism and Aunt Bea. She was interviewed and quoted by the Rolling Stones about The Matrix, Lord Of The Rings and the radical imam, Hassan Kosweenie, who is frequently consulted by Vice-President Cheney and was recently invited to a hunting trip at a Texas ranch. Kosweenie was embarrassed by the tinny stereo speakers and anti-septic hate he fostered in his britches, and refused to address it in newspaper interviews.

Schlussel, who speaks Hebrew, Arabic, French, Russian, Esperanto, Belch, Pig Latin, Semaphore and Gibberish works closely with several forceful law enforcement forces, consulting on fighting the domestic War on Tourism, and has provided them with much useful information. She has gone under covers, infiltrating many musical organizations in the Detroit area (the heart of Islamic rhythm and blues), exposing their radical song structures and support for tourism. Schlussel continues to represent a very valuable Muslim confidential informant to several federal government agencies, who has been responsible for putting hundreds of tour guides behind bars where they now regularly serve up martinis, rusty nails, screwdrivers and Elmer's glu-all. She also represented several whistleblowers and toe-tappers who exposed tourist operations currently under investigation.

You can try to get through her twice-weekly online column, "Debbie Does Polemics," on the Internet, at www.PoliticalUSA.com, where she is a Contributor/Columnist and her own website, debbieschlussel.com. Schlussel is also a frequent flyer. Her columns have often been thrown in the air by Rush Limbaugh, on whom she once broke a Monday Night Football commemorative plate. Schlussel's columns have also frequently appeared on Knight Rider in syndication, and in several major birdcage liners, including The Washington Times, The New York Post, The Jerusalem Post, The Detroit News, Detroit Free Press, The Jerusalem Press, The New York News, The New Detroit Times and The Brooklyn Bridge. She wrote some stuff for FOXNews.com, too, by the way.

In 2002-2003, Debbie Schlussel was the host of her own show, The Rodney Allen Rippy Show, on 97.1 FM, Detroit's FM Polka Station (Infinity/CBS)--#1 in its time-slot. A regular on the nationally syndicated Howard Dean Show, Schlussel has frequently appeared on National Public Radio's Things ill-Considered, ESPN Radio, Sporting Goods Radio, Girl Jock, and has been a frequent contributor to the nationally syndicated Uncle Roy's Panty Raid And Hot Pants Revue.
In 1988, Schlussel was the youngest female, youngest Jewish, youngest scrabble player and youngest Aries delegate to the Republican National HissyFit Jamboree.

A lifelong pagan rites activist, at the age of 21 and with all odds even, Schlussel entered the race for the Michigan House of Representitives from the suburban Detroit area and lost by just one minute and eighteen seconds, the closest race in Michigan marathon history. In 1986-87, Schlussel was awarded the title of Outstanding Full-Lipped Teen Age Cheesecake Republican in the Nation and was honored by the President of the Automobile Club of America, Leo Weiser.

Schlussel has literally worked on campaigns since she was in the sixth grade, when she worked on Gus Hall's 47th campaign for President. A long-time member of Tensa, the Italian-American high blood pressure society, Schlussel was a National Merit Scholar Loser. She is the only female member of the Advisory Board of the Motor City Bowl, an NCAA Division I college salad bowl game, played at the Pontiac Silverdome by Sally Field and Emeril Lagasse and has been featured in the Who's Who of Thin-Skinned Young Americans, What's What of Executive Powers and Where's Where of Actionable Cause for Libel Litigation.

And, finally, by piecing together undiscovered evidence I can now conclude without a doubt that Debbie Schlussel’s blog funnels laundered funds to Air America, that she secretly still listens to Milli Vanilli and that her cat’s breath smells like cat food. No, really. It's all true. ;)

Weekday Update

And in other news: The demonstrations and violence erupting in the wake of the publication of the infamous Mohammed cartoons has continued.
Here with commentary on the latest developments in this story is Weekday Update correspondent Miss Emily Litella. Emily?

Why, thank you, Jane.

It is a sad day in this old world when you turn on the talking picture box and witness such violent reactions in some remote corner of the world over the mere publication of car tunes for Mohammed. I remember when the wee ones would play their Beach Boys record albums on the Victrola and, I must say, the car tunes could really take you somewhere. Perhaps it's an impatience that comes with the modern convenience of such things as telephones that can take home movies that we reject things that seem "quaint", such as good ol' wholesome car tunes.

But, then, these new-fangled contraptions don't seem to be evident in the places that are raising a stink -- pardon my Freedom -- over these car tunes. Perhaps if these people had cars, instead of camels, they could appreciate that Mohammed might have enjoyed the oomph of going from zero to sixty in three seconds which sometimes seems an apt description of my earlier years. Perhaps Mohammed would have been too busy enjoying the thrill of the drag to bother with marrying his 13 year-old cousin. Or was that Jerry Lee Lewis? Thankfully he never sang any car tunes...

So, why this viceral reaction to car tunes?! "409". "Little Deuce Coupe". "Fun Fun Fun 'til yer daddy takes the T-Bird away"! If anything, I think that the Arab world needs more car tunes! I can understand that hearing them might make you want to burn some rubbers, but not them making you want to burn embassies!

The airings of those ditties were seminal moments in the adolescence of my charges and, vicariously, through listening, I enjoyed the thrill of a proxy cirque de soir on the main drag that the whippersnappers were, no doubt, spending their rambuctious energies cavorting along in an abject search for....

Emily....

...a fountain of youth that they didn't even realize...

...Miss Litella....

...sprung from their very own love of dropping all four to the floor and succumbing to their....

Emily!!!

What? What?! What?!!!

The story is about "Cartoons" of Mohammed. Little editorial drawings. Not "car tunes" for Mohammed; "cartoons."

O-o-o-o-oh. Well, that's very different.

Yes, it is.

Nevermind.

Point / Counterpoint

Hello, Tuning Spork here. For tonight's lame post (and while I wait for my breadcrumb-caked pork chops and potato to bake) I'd like to try out a new feature: Point / Counterpoint. Tonight's topic is Pulling our Troops out of Iraq: When and Why? The first argument will be presented by the Congressional Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi. Ms Pelosi?

Thank you, TS.

The status quo is not working. The 'Plan for Victory' backdrop against which the President appeared at the Naval Academy two weeks ago was no more accurate than the 'Mission Accomplished' backdrop he used over two and a half years ago on the USS Abraham Lincoln. The President did not have a plan for victory when he went into his war in Iraq, and he does not have a plan for victory today.

What the American people want from the President is some evidence that he has heard their concerns. Clearly, the President fails to understand that a new course is needed in Iraq. The President has dug us into a deep hole in Iraq; it is time for him to stop digging.

He offers a status quo plan that would not accelerate the training of Iraqi security forces, would not motivate Iraqis to assume security responsibilities more quickly and bring American troops home. Instead, he suggests that we send more troops and spend more money in Iraq. That is not what the American people want.

The President says that the security situation in Iraq is getting better. But just because the President says it, does not make it so. 226 American soldiers have been killed in Iraq in just the last three months. The Generals have told us that the presence of large numbers of U.S. forces in Iraq encourages the insurgents. The President provided no specifics on how, or when, the number of troops will be reduced.

With more than 2,100 American soldiers killed, thousands more wounded grievously, and hundreds of billions of dollars spent, the President owes the American people more than he has provided. We should follow the lead of Congressman John Murtha, who has put forth a plan to make America safer, to make our military stronger, and to make Iraq more stable. That is what the American people and our troops deserve.

Nancy, you under-educated shill. The President is defending the mission in Iraq because he believed in it then and he believes in it now -- unlike some who shall remain nameless. So, what do you expect him to do, Dum-Dum?

The 'Mission Accomplished' sign was put up by the crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln because they were coming home and their mission was, thus, accomplished, which is painfully obvious to anyone who isn't frothing at the mouth with an abject fear of success.

The plan for victory is victory and will be measured -- as in all conflicts -- by milestones not timetables, Dum-Dum. No matter how quickly the Iraqis make their amazing transformation from living in fear and insecurity to living in freedom and security, it will never happen fast enough for you, will it, you fair weather freedom fighter you?

You mouth-breathed that just because the President says that the security situation is getting better doesn't make it so. Is everything that you hope isn't true a lie? Oh, heaven forefend good news. That would be such a Party pooper, I know, I know. On my planet we call that sarcasm, by the way...

So, large numbers of U.S. forces in Iraq encourages the insurgents? As an old aquaintence of mine once said: Yabba Dabba Doo. That's when they get all active and such and our troops know where their oily orbs are converging. Ice, meet fire. Y'see, that saves time and we can get our troops home sooner, Dum-Dum.

But, I suppose that actually accomplishing the mission in Iraq is less important to mal-learned hussies like you than accomplishing your own mission at home: to convince us that -- the defeat of our troops being a defeat for Bush -- we need to cut and run within six months instead ofwell, immediately, regardless of whether or not Iraq has stabilized.

You voted for the Iraq war and you recently voted against an immediate withdrawal. I just hope that you'll keep in mind that -- unlike some well-read Iraqi prude during Saddam's reign -- no one put a gun to your head, Dum-Dum.

Lame-ass Post #386

We all know that John Kerry has been running for president since about 1967, right?
Well, surprise! His lust for the oval office goes back even farther than that.

While just a toddler at the time, the super-intelligent Kerry was already well-heeled in the nuanced arts.
Check out this recently unearthed transcript of a speech he gave in October of '44 whilst practicing and honing his campaigning style:

"Back on 12/7 '41 we were, as the President said, attacked by air and navel forces of the Empire of Japan. And yet, nearly three years later, we are no closer to capturing Hirohito then we were then.

Instead, the President has purposely distracted our attention to the war in Europe.
He claims that Adolph Hitler is a threat to America despite the fact that Adolph has no means of attacking our shores.

Four months after that horrific disaster known as D-Day Hitler is STILL in power, and Americans are dying everyday in Europe.
He took our eyes off the ball and we now find ourselves in a quagmire in Western Europe and a seemingly never-ending and unprogressive chase through the South Pacific.

The Germans hate us; the Japanese hate us; the Italians hate us. And how, in our president's mind, can we hope to win the peace without the support of the Germans and Italians? What kind of an "alliance" is that?!"

This president has f**ked up this war from the very beginning all because he has no plan -- set out for all to see and judge -- to win the peace.

And so I say, Mr. President, that I only have one question: How can you ahsk someone to be the last man to die for this mistake?

Hmm. Li'l Johnny hasn't changed a bit.

Hey, I warned ya that this was a lame-ass post! Sorry. Watching baseball... :o

Exclusive: Heinz-Kerry Working for Rodham-Clinton?

BOSTON [A&P]-- Teresa Heinz-Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), has been deliberately sabotaging her husband's campaign it has been revealed in secret documents obtained from CBS News.

"There is a method to her madness," said Rebecca Jameson, special assistant to Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton (D-NY), responding to the outting of Heinz-Kerry's subterfuge. "She's been onboard with us from the git go."

Lacing her speech with words that seem to belie an "anti-social pathology", Heinz-Kerry is "deliberately undermining Senator Kerry's chances for election to the Presidency," the CBS documents reveal.

Telling reporters to "shove it," calling political opponents "scumbags" and "idiots" predicting that Osama Bin Ladin "may be 'found' in the days leading up to the November 2nd election", erstwhile Republican Heinz-Kerry is, in fact, attempting to "pull the rug out from under" Kerry's election effort in an effort to keep 2008 open for Senator Clinton.

"It's just insidious," piped Mary Mapes, producer of 60 Minutes Wednesday. "I saw these documents and immediately said 'You gotta be shittin' me!' But, clearly it's true."

Asked how she knew that it was "clearly...true", Mapes emotionally inquired "Am I the only one who still trusts my CBS's reporting??"

Responding via telephone, Heinz-Kerry has told A&P that she has "never not supported my husband, dillweed. If you think that I want Chimp-boy to give us another four years of hell then you're not paying attention, twerp.

"And I challenge Shrubette to a debate," she continued. "We oughta have a First Ladies' debate just so's I can expose the scum sucking librarian for what she is: the drawling shillwife of a doofus dork who can make cuter daughters than the Frankenspawn that my current husband made.

"You think I'm kidding, Punjab? Huh? Maybe she's got a well-heeled aura of dignity, but her President says he's trying to make the world safe for peace and Democracy and that lie is as un-American as my accent, assmunch?

Of course I want my husband to win.
No, really.

What...?!"

Developing...

[Update: Wow, that was a pretty lame post, eh?--TS]

One Year Ago Today, pt n

Since I'm arriving home much later than I used to, I'm gonna go catch up on some blog reading tonight and post an archived entry. I can't believe I wrote this a year ago; seems like last month!

Anywho, I now humbly re-present: "It's All Just A Game Anyway, I'n't It...?":

Well, the Democrat debate on FoxNews is totally boring so I turned it off and wrote this mess:

Osmond: Hi, and welcome back to the celebrity edition of the $100 Pyramid, I'm Donny Osmond. I'm a grown man, dammit, why am I still calling myself "Donny?" Well, it's what I started with and it's too late to do anything about it nevermind.

In our game so far we have a tie score at nil to nada! Our team-members; Michael Moore and Ann Coulter, and Robert Downey Jr and Madonna, are going to move on to the last two categories we have on our board.
Robert, would you like "Out For A Stroll" or "Lucky 7"?

Downey: I think we'll try "Lucky 7", Donny.

Osmond: Of course, that means I can't tell you what these things have in common yet, but take the screen and see how many Madonna can guess. Ready? Go!

car

Downey: Okay, this is what we use to get where we want to go. Madonna: Boyfriends. Downey: No, no, it's worth alot of money and comes in different models. Madonna: Warren Beatty? Downey: No, it gets stuck in traffic jams on the highway. Madonna: Oh! A zipper! Downey: Pass it.

bicycle

Downey: This is something that you ride for fun and exercize. Madonna: The gardener. Downey: No, no, no, it's inanimate... Madonna: The plumber. Downey: *sigh* This is something that you pedal! Madonna: Sleaze! Downey: Pass it!

bus

Downey: Okay, this is something you'll find in the city. It can accomodate about 50 at a time. Madonna: Anna Nicole Smith. Downey: No, it's something you might take if you were travelling cross-country. Madonna: Extra batteries! Downey: No, no, when you're in London you might ride on a double decker... Madonna: Strap-on. Downey: Pass it!

pogo-stick

Downey: Pass it!

airplane

Downey: Okay, they fly up in the air. Madonna: Feet. Downey: No, some are huge and carry massive loads. Madonna: Condoms. Downey: Listen: They are aer-o-dy-nam-ic. Madonna: Cu-cum-bers.

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Oh, times up. The category was "modes of transportation" and the ones you missed were all them.
Well, that leaves "Out For A Stroll" for Ann and Michael. Ann will give the clues to these things you might see as you take a walk around the block. Ready? Go!

stop sign

Coulter: Okay, this is something you'll find at a street corner. Moore: A drug dealer forced into a life of crime by gross inequities in the system. Coulter: No, it's one word and usually on a pole. Moore: Madonna? Coulter: No, it's THIS BIG and has eight sides. Moore: Dinner. Coulter: Pass.

rose

Coulter: This is a type of flower. Moore: Semolina. Coulter: No, no, it smells sweet and is usually bought by the dozen. Moore: Doughnuts. Coulter: No, you'll likely see them on a bush. Moore: Hand-cuffs? Coulter: No, no, it's beautiful, but it's also thorny. Moore: The violent overthrow of the government. Coulter: Pass it!

squirrels

Coulter: Okay, you'll see these up in the trees. Moore: Agents of the Ashcroft Justice Department. Coulter: No, they're little animals that run away in fear if you try to get near them. Moore: Stupid white men! Coulter: No, they scamper around collecting nuts all summer. Moore: The NRA. Coulter: Just pass it. Pass it...

ant colony

Coulter: This is a group of creatures that work as a collective unit. Moore: Enlightened people. Coulter: No, they work all day to impress the queen. Moore: Unenlightened British people? Coulter: No, no, how do I say this...it's the entire organized society of little creatures that have no individual purpose, they just toil for the sake of the group. Moore: The worker's paradise!

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Well, we're still tied at zero, which means it's time for our tie-breaker round. Madonna, would you like card #1, or card #2?

Madonna: I'll take 2, Donny. And...see me after the show to find out what I mean 'cause I plan on doing a little receiving.

Osmond: Uh, I'd be tempted except that I have no intention of joining you in hellfire eternal.

Madonna: *shrugs* Hmph, pick yer poison...

Osmond: Well, you picked #2, and that means that, for this tie-breaker round, you'll be giving the clues to Robert Downey Jr these words that begin with the letter H. Words that begin with the letter H. Ready? Go!

honeymoon

Madonna: Okay, after your wedding you had a... Downey: Hangover. Madonna: No, I mean you took your bride on a... Downey: Harley. Madonna: No, no, um...what's in the sky at night? Downey: Helicopters. Madonna: Pass!

habit

Madonna: okay okay, this is something that - if it's bad - you might want to break. Downey: Hyperthermia? Madonna: No, when you do something without thinking about it it's a... Downey: Hiccup! Madonna: Ugh, in the morning a nun will put on her... Downey: Haines? Madonna: Pass it!

hair

Madonna: Okay, this is on top of your head Downey: Halo. Madonna: You cut it when it's too long! Downey: Hemp! Madonna: Arrgh! I shave it off of my legs every day! Downey: Hives? Madonna: Pass it!!

headache

Madonna: Grrr, this is something that I have right now! Downey: Herpes. Madonna: It's a pain you get from stress! Downey: Hernia. Madonna: No, it's annoying, usually mostly in the temples... Downey: Hypocrite? Madonna: Pass! PASS!!

hug

Madonna: Okay, c'mon now! When someone gives you this you feel better! Downey: Heroin. Madonna: PASS!!!

honest

Madonna: When you tell the truth you are... Downey: Hospitalized. Madonna: No, you blithering idiot! Someone who tells the whole truth is being... Downey: Harsh and tactless, you washed-up cow!

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Well, time's up and you didn't get any, I'm sorry.
Michael and Ann, you have #1, and who'll be giving and who'll be receiving?

Moore: I'm gonna give, Donny.

Osmond: Okay, you're going to give to Ann clues to these things that begin with the letter T. Things that begin with the letter T, ready? Go!

travel

Moore: When you go from one place to another you... Coulter: Tranquilize. Moore: No, no, when you take a trip you.. Coulter: Tumble? Moore: If I - let's say - wanted to go to from my house to your house then I would they have to... Coulter: Tresspass! Moore: Pass.

teabag

Moore: okay, this is something you'd dunk in hot water. Coulter: Traitors. Moore: No, no, what's a drink that you might drink with lemon? Coulter: Tequila? Moore: Ugh, there's the phrase "Packs the wallop of a wet..." Coulter: Teamster! Moore: Pass!

talk

Moore: Okay, okay, here we go! When I speak to someone I am engaging in... Coulter: Treason. Moore: No! When you speak you... Coulter: Tingle! Moore: *sigh* Pass!!!

toad

Moore: Another word for "frog"! Coulter: Tyrant! Moore: PASS!!!!

trader

Moore: Someone who supports getting rid of all tariffs on imports is a "free-......" Coulter: Traitor!

*BELL*

Osmond: Wow, you did it!! And that means that you won the game and are going to the Pyramid! Yay!!

Okay, you have 60 seconds to get to the top of the pyramid, you know the rules, blah blah blah. Ann, you'll give nothing more than a list, no hands allowed. Ready? Go!

Things In A Lady's Purse

Coulter: A gun... money...
Moore: Things that are the root of all evil.
Coulter: National Review... the Constitution...
Moore: Things that oppress the masses.
Coulter: a tape recorder... another gun...
Moore: Things that can destroy a presidency.
Coulter: Pass it!

Palindromes

Coulter: Ewe...
Moore: Academy Award winners.
Coulter: ABBA...
Moore: Successful artists, successful entertainers...
Coulter: uh, um, radar...
Moore: Uh, highly complicated things...sophisticated things...
Coulter: uh...racecar...
Moore: High performance, impressive, well-tuned...
Coulter: Pass it.

Things a War Protester Might Say

Coulter: Uh, "I'm an America-hater"..."Why am I so clueless?"...
Moore: Things Trent Lott would say.
Coulter: "I should bathe more often"..."I don't know how to change a tire"..."My failure is your fault."
Moore: Things Roger Smith would say.
Coulter: "I really gotta move out of my parents' basement"..."Christ I'm useless"..
Moore: Entries in your diary...I dunno....
Coulter: Pass it!

Payroll Statistics of General Motors

Coulter: Pass!

Parts of an M-60 Machine Gun

Coulter: The buffer, the spring guide, the cover assembly, the piston, the bolt lever, the elevated sight, the...
Moore: Pass!

Academy Award Winners

Coulter: You.
Moore: Academy Award winners.

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Just in time! You just won $20!!

Moore: Can I go now?

Osmond: Please do. And that's our show for today, folks, but Ann and I would just like to say: [cue music]

Donny: May tomorrow be a perfect day
Ann: May you find love and laughter along the way
Donny: May God keep you in his tender care
Ann: 'til He brings us together again

Donny & Ann: G'night everybody!
*ROLL CREDITS AND CUT*

Some Straight Talk from Terry McAuliffe

Wallace: ...and welcome to FoxNews Sunday. I'm Chris Wallace.
My first guest this morning is the chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Terry McAuliffe. Welcome, Mister McAuliffe.

McAuliffe: Thank you, Chris. Good to be with you.

Wallace: Your candidate, Senator John Kerry, has been slipping in the polls as President Bush has been rising. Is this a sign that the American people are becoming more and more convinced that the President has the stronger message; or, that the Swiftboat ads have hurt Kerry?

McAuliffe: Well, the only poll that counts is the one taken on November 2nd. But, let me just say that John Kerry is a decorated war hero while George W Bush is a draft-dodger. I'm not being negative here or anything, I'm just sayin' is all...

Wallace: Uh... Well, polls show that the anti-Kerry Swiftboat ads have taken a toll on the Senator's favorability numbers. How can Senator Kerry best overcome the blow to his credibility?

McAuliffe: The real question is "How can President Bush explain his military desertion when he went AWOL from the Texas Alabama National Guards?". That's the real question here; not what Senator Kerry did or didn't do 35 years ago.

Wallace: Er... Okay. But, President Bush's National Guard service was also 35...

McAuliffe: Is that a flag?

Wallace: Excuse me...?

McAuliffe: That pin. Is that a flag pin on your lapel?

Wallace: Why, yes, it is.

McAuliffe: So, you're a Republican then?

Wallace: Well, I don't see why you'd think that just because...

McAuliffe: Come on, Chris, only you right-wingers wear those flag pins! Admit it!

Wallace: Are you saying that Democrats aren't patriotic enough to...

McAuliffe: Hey, now. The Stars and Stripes are not in the exclusive purview of the right wing. Don't try to tell us we don't love wearing a flag pin as much and as proudly as you do.

Wallace: But, I thought that your point was...

McAuliffe: The question at hand is "Why do the polls show that the American people believe that John Kerry would be better for America on the economy, on healthcare, on education...?". These poll numbers reflect the truth and are vitally important, Chris.

Wallace: But, it's not November 2nd yet. And the overall poll numbers show Bush in the lead. Does this mean that President Bush has an advantage as we move into October and November?

McAullife: It's just too early to tell.

Wallace: Does Senator Kerry have an advantage as we move into October and November?

McAuliffe: Of course he does and here's why: While Dick Cheney was busy getting draft deferments whoa...!

Wallace: Is there a problem? You look a little dizzy...

McAuliffe: Is the room spinning, or is it just me?

Wallace: It's you, but do go on.

McAuliffe: Anyway, while Dick Cheney was busy getting draft deferments, John Kerry volunteered to go to Vietnam to serve his country.

Wallace: Well, actually, Senator Kerry applied for the same deferments and was turned down...

McAuliffe: And he joined the military and volunteered for duty in Vietnam.

Wallace: But, no. He joined the Naval Reserves, and was subsequently called to active duty...

McAuliffe: Whereupon he begged to go to Vietnam so he could defend the children of America from Richard Nixon's war in Vietnam.

Wallace: Actually, Lyndon Johnson was President when Kerry was shipped to Vietnam and then given a choice of two differant kinds of patrol boats to join. He opted for a Swiftboat which patrolled less dangerous waters than...

McAuliffe: And he served with great valor. John Kerry is a hero because he, unlike the Chimp-in-Chief, heroically threw himself onto the frontline of the battle for a stalemate in Vietnam, and would gladly devote himself to that cause again.

Wallace: But, he only served 4 1/2 months of a 12-month tour, requesting a return Stateside after...

McAuliffe: After suffering three wounds in battle that taught him that war is not something you get into just because you think that your country has the best answer.

Wallace: Well, he never lost a day of duty for those wounds and there's an official Naval investigation into the sources of at least two of his Purple Hearts. He invoked the three-Purple-Hearts-and-you-can-leave policy while in 100% perfect health.

McAuliffe: Chris, being healthy isn't a crime. I mean, how silly are these partisan attacks from the right gonna get?!

Wallace: You said "just because you think that your country has the best answer". Are you saying that the United States may not have had the best answer when it endeavored to stop the spread of communism into South Vietnam?

McAuliffe: Yes. Look, we can't go fighting tyrannical governments just because we don't like them; the world is a diverse place. Freedom is important to Americans, but, by the same token, tyranny is important to tyrants. We can't just arrogantly presume to go around imposing Liberty on people. That's the lesson of Vietnam -- a war, by the way, that John F Kennedy never would have gotten us into. Richard Nixon was wrong to just go anywhere in the world, to bear any burden, support any friend and oppose any foe, to...

Wallace: Uh... Mister McAuliffe...

McAuliffe: Look, we can't go tarnishing a war hero's record by focusing on minutia. The question, at the end of the day, is where was George W Bush while John Kerry was trying to get a deferment, signing up for inactive service, trying to stay out of harm's way, and finally getting his ass out of Vietnam as fast he possibly could? What in the world was George W Bush doing at the time? Huh, Chris? What was Bush doing?!

Wallace: I'm asking the questions, Terry.

McAuliffe: Well, I just gotta say that there are a lot of unanswered questions here.

Wallace: No shit, Sherlock.

And, stay tuned, folks. After the break we'll be talking to a 26-year-old man who claims he is the reincarnation of John Wayne. And he's pissed...

McAuliffe: Yikes. Gotta run, bye!

One Year Ago Today: What If (I didn't try to post at the login page anymore..?)

One thing about the news out of Russia.........

I just spent the past hour composing a post and, I don't know what I did, but it's gone.
(I didn't hit "back", btw.)

It was all about how terrorists shooting fleeing kids in the back oughta make the tyrants of the Middle East wonder about just what kind of demonic path they've laid for themselves. That their protestations of having been "victims" of the Crusades has made them justifiably barbaric -- for their Faith's sake.
That the sacred cause of protecting/expanding their religion just might justify the destruction of humanity itself.
And, yes, that's exactly what it's come to now, Jawad (my myopic friend).

I've waited and waited and waited for the good Muslims to speak up. They're everywhere... I meet them everyday. But where are they, broadly? Out loud? On the 'net? Crying in the wilderness? Sorry, that's not enough.

You either follow or lead. That's all. Don't tell the rest of us that the word "Islam" means "surrender", and then expect us to agree with you.
Too late for that, hasBro...

The governments of the Middle Eastern nations have to take this rabid bull by the horns.
Thanking us for our help/money and then telling us that you hope we can "re-think" our policy re: Isreal, is unacceptable.
Isreal is the only patch of land in the region where you can freely walk down the street carrying some rendition of the Torah or a copy of the Bible. Persecution sucks, m'kay? Do we have that straight, yet? Or, is there still wiggle-room on the left for some mighty tollerant tyranny [suc]...?

The tyrants of the Middle East must learn the basics:
America's founding was on the principle of religious Freedom. Just the frickin' smell of a fight between religeous persecution and religious Freedom makes our collective blood boil.

And so, you have a choice: Tyranny or Freedom. Yep, it's that simple.

We don't deliver ultimatums lightly. But you've pushed at the boundries of civilization too often, too much and too hard, and have revealed yourselves to be murderous whackos unworthy of negotiation. Surrender your ideology or die.

But, since you don't fear death (and are delusional enough even to believe that there are 75 virgins awaiting your heralded welcome to eternity), this threat might fall on deaf ears. Ok.

Does the threat of a daisycutter scare ya?
Does the idea that.. ooo... just maybe you might not be caught by honorably trained professionals scare ya?

I thank God that ordinary folks like pissed-off Russians have it in them to grab the reigns and lead you skidmarks on the shorts of humanity to the place where you rightfully belong: Gone!

Maybe I'll rebuild my missing post (It was glorious!) and make it better. But, not now.

Word to the wise: Always write in Notepad and copy/paste it to the blogpage. I forgot to do that tonight.

In leiu of a fresh post [Update: actually, it looks like I pretty much re-wrote it the fresh post], I'll submit an old one. From one year ago today I present:

What If:

What if the movie JAWS was real, and it happened today? Why, you'd keep up with the latest by tuning to FoxNews, of course!

Britt Hume: Hi and welcome to Special Report, I'm Britt Hume.
Joining me now to discuss the situation at Amity Island tonight is our extended panel. Please welcome James Carville, Jeff Birnbaum, Sean Hannity, Jonathan Alter and Dennis Miller.

Sean, let me start with you. Captain Quint's boat, the Orca, has been at sea all day having set off to find and kill the Great White shark. Question: Are these three men -- Quint the Captain, Matt Hooper the oceanographer, and Police Chief Martin Brody -- enough to get the job done?

Hannity: This is the problem with Liberals today, Britt. First they didn't want anybody to kill the shark because they're totally beholden to PETA and the environmentalists; they make outrageous claims about the loss of life that'll take place if they try to get the shark; THEN they turn around and complain that there aren't ENOUGH guys on that boat that's gone out to kill it. It's sad what the party of JFK - an avid boater in those same waters - has become.

Carville: Wait now...let's just look...let's look at what we got heah. We got three guys going out on a ricketty old tub...they may be fine men, I do'no...going out to kill a shawk! What what what is...what threat is this shawk to them?
It only ate people who were in the watah! I mean you go into the watah where there are shawks and, I'm sorry to break it to ya folks, but yer gawna get eaten!

Hannity: James, four people and one dog have been slaughtered by this monster...

Carville: Well it didn' walk onto the beach, Sean. If that fish was lyin' on a blanket with a basket of lotion then I'd say there's a problem...but let the shawk be a shawk...

Hume: Isn't the problem, fellas -- the real issue -- an economic one... Jeff?

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, I just, let me say, uh, uh, it's Inde-, uh, Independence, uh, 4th of July weekend and, uh, it's a serious economic, uh, uh, situation, er, uh, concern.

Hume: Right, but how do weigh the economic health of Amity -- which depends on the open beaches -- against the need to keep people from becoming breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Birnbaum: Well, uh, these things need to, uh, be weighed by, uh, uh, in order to...

Alter: The real concern is that there are a lot of unanswered questions going around, Wolf, about...

Hume: Britt.

Alter: ....about why Chief Bundy ordered the beaches kept open in order to feed as many people as possible to the school of giant sharks. It may be that there is alot more going on than we know.
Ever since Alex Kintner's grandmother slapped the Chief, people have been saying in hushed tones "Brody lied, people died."

Hume: Uh...let's move on.
Dennis Miller... Matt Hooper, the oceanographer, brought a lot of modern equipment aboard Quint's boat. Rumor has it that Quint's a bit of a traditionalist, an old salt, as it were. How do you see their well-known rivalry playing out on board the ship?

Miller: Well, listen Cha-Cha, these guys are scaling the Matterhorn in a speed-o. What can I tell ya, Custer was better poised for victory than these three faux Ceausteaus. They're gonna see the size of that Grendel-with-gills and have as much optimism as Iron Eyes Cody when he got to the side of the highway.

Hume: So, you wonder if they really even understand what they've gotten themselves into...

Miller: Lemme tell ya, this isn't Snuffalupogus of the Sea. It's as big as a grain silo and twice as indifferent. It'll be worse than the death-toll that could have been avoided had Marion Crane only listened to a weather report.

Hume: Well, we have breaking news that the team on Orca has harpooned the shark with three barrels. This is to bring the shark to the surface and track his position. James?

Carville: What what what what in the hell are they doing shooting haw'poons into this shawk?! How would they like it if a school of catfish invaded their backyawd and started shooting them?! This is madness maddened.

Hannity: You Libs don't believe in self-defense, don't believe in the freedom to go into the water at the beach on a hot summer day...

Alter: I can't fathom why they're wasting their time with harpoons and barrels and beacons when all they have to do is show some patience and wait for the shark to come up for air.

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, uh, think that the shark needs to be, uh, er,

Hume: Spit it out, Jeff.

Birnbaum: needs to be either captured, or, uh, killed, or, uh, otherwise, uh, uh, dealt with.

Miller: Well, that was the longest trip to nowhere since Jack Swigert gave the oxygen a stir.

Hume: Joining us now via satellite from Amity beach is Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Senator Clinton, welcome.

Clinton: (cackling in obviously forced laughter) Ha ha ha, hi Britt. Great to be with you!

Hume: Senator, have you gotten a sense of how the beachgoers feel about the Orca crew having headed out to kill the shark?

Clinton: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes! I've been listening very closely to their opinions and views which we, their trusted overseers, are so eager to hear. So, while I did have some of them talk to me, I unfortunately had to have some them removed by my entourage, and don't recall any of what they alledgedly told me about the several victims and their little dog, too! Ha! Ha! Ha!!

But as you know, Britt, my daughter Chelsea was swimming in those very waters at the time of the last attack. So, as her mother, and being so personally victimized by this, I've been very deeply and sincerely trying to show concern for all of Amity Island.

Hume: Well, actually, wasn't Chelsea swimming in a pool at the YWCA in Cambridge?

Clinton: I'm sorry, the signal is a bit choppy...

Hume: Senator, you've criticized the mayor, rather harshly, for his keeping the beaches open even after several shark attacks. Have you met with the mayor; and, if so, how did the meeting go?

Clinton: (fumbling through her notes) I'm sorry, Britt, but that question was not on the list of questions that was approved by our staffs. I'm afraid I'm unprepared to provide the information and documents. Other than that, I don't recall.

Hume: Well, I just thought that since you had been quoted...

Clinton: And I stand by what I said, and I am sick and TIRED of being called PARANOID everytime I speak out as an American against The Conspiracy in ANY reckless manner I PLEASE!! I don't think that ANY American should have to APPOLOGIZE for saying ANYTHING UNPOPULAR ABOUT ANY ISLAND'S ADMINISTRATION!!!!

Birnbaum: I, uh, my earpiece exploded.

Miller: Was that the B-side of "Instant Kharma"?

Hume: Well, we've got a few seconds left. So, final question for the panel: How will this all end? James?

Carville: Awl three are gawna die in the mouth of that shawk, and they deserve it, too, for their neo-colonialist ocean-rape.

Hannity: Let not your heart be troubled. Brody, Hooper and Quint will tow that shark in and show the world what Americans can do when they're attacked. I mean, how great is this?!

Birnbaum: Well, I, uh, want to know more before, uh, I pre-, uh pre-...

Hume: Jonathan?

Alter: I think that Quinn and Brady will die, but Ishmael will be okay.

Miller: Well, ironically they've bitten off more than they can chew and they're gonna start losing weight one limb at a time and feel like Sharon Tate on the Susan Atkins diet. I mean, lemme tell ya, this is gonna be about as pretty as how I imagine a John Waters version of "Striptease". Ted Williams has a better chance of getting sunstroke...

Hume: And that's all the time we have this time...

Miller: ...than Isabella Rossalini reviving the Stanislovsky method...

Hume: ...so, until next time, good-night...

Miller: ...on Pitcairne Island with Fletcher dancing the Wilbury Twist...

Hume: ...and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Miller: ...while Ronnie Milsap takes his gift certificate to LensCrafters...
CUT TO COMMERCIAL

CAPTION CONTEST!!!

Rachel has challenged any and all comers to PhotoShop that picture of Michael Moore bathing in his own self-satisfaction at Cannes last weekend.
She has since named lagmonkey as the annointed "winner"! (And it's a good one!)

But I'm gonna take the idea and run it down a different field and ask for a caption for this one:

"They wouldn't kill ME, would they? After all, I hate America even more than THEY do..."

Stick it to Clueless Mike and write your own!!

One Fine Day in Iraq

Khrazi al-Jebra: Saddam, Life in Baghdad is returning to normal. The lights are on; the water is running crisp and clear out of the taps. The shops are open; traffic is smooth; children are playing. Life, for your people, is getting better all the time.

Saddam: Damn! My fedeyeen need to be inspired once again to destroy the resolve of the invaders. I need to release another recording. Fetch me the Panasonic.

al-Jebra: But, Saddam, the batteries in that tape recorder ran out last week while you were listening to the Dixie Chicks. Remember?

Saddam: Oh, right. Khrazi, my loyal aide...

al-Jebra: Yes, Saddam?

Saddam: You must go out and find me some batteries. There is a house only about four hours walk from here where there lives a man who has asome batteries, or at least a wall outlet adapter. If he will not hand them over willingly, tell him they are for me.

al-Jebra: Shall I kill him afterward?

Saddam: Might as well. Please hurry, I'd like to get a message out by morning.

al-Jebra: Yes, Saddam. Victory! (Khrazi al-Jebra leaves)

Saddam paces the room for a while until he finds the Panasonic tape recorder. He picks up the recorder, stares at it a moment, and heads for a tiny hole in the ground.
Climbing into the 4 x5 cell he sits and presses thr Record button. The wheels don't turn, and there is no tape in the machine.

Saddam: (into the Panasonic) My fellow Iraqis. A terrible plaque has descended upon our great Land. Yes: Our way of life -- the way that we have known for nearly 40 years -- is in danger of being swept aside from forces from without. But, the danger now is also from within.
While the infidels attempt to purchase your obedience with material prosperity, they will fail because the Iraqi people understand that physical health, personal happiness, freedom and clean food and water are the Devil's work. The only road to salvation is to reject the temptations of our own well-being, and the well-being of our families and countrymen.
I, Saddam, command you once again to fight to your glorious martyrdom to defeat the enemy by defeating his will to fight. We must expel the invaders from our beloved country by giving up of ourselves, our fortunes and our lives. I am Saddam, and I am Iraq. Never forget that the fight for your country is always a fight to the death. To lose the fight and live to tell about it is a disgrace that will....

a voice from outside: Hey! You in there! Are you Saddam?!

Saddam: Uh... no...?

voice: Bullshit! I know you're in there, I heard you talking into that tape recorder! Sgt Krucutt, U.S. Marines! Come on out, Saddam... Or do you want a fight to the death?!

Saddam: (stroking the handle of the pistol that hangs on his hip) Do you have any batteries?

Krucutt: Uh, yeah. I think we got some batteries in the truck! What do need, a couple of Ds?

Saddam: No, I need four Cs!

Krucutt: (to his men): We got some C batteries with us?

Cpl Hunter: Yeah, I got some in my flashlight...

Krucutt: Yeah, Saddam, we got some batteries for ya! Now, come on out before we drop a Daisycutter in there!

Saddam: Okay! Okay! I'm throwing out my gun! (He tosses out his pistol and crawls out of the hole on his knees with his hands in the air) I don't want any trouble!

Krucutt: Good God, stand up, man! (he stands up) What's the matter, lost you nerve? What happened to "Never forget that the fight for your country is always a fight to the death"?

Saddam: I never saw the fight to liberate Iraq as being fought to MY death.

Krucutt: You will. Here are your damn batteries.

Saddam: Yay!!

One fine evening in America

Lehrer: Welcome to the 142nd Democratic candidate's debate. I'm Jim Lehrer.
Joining us on our stage are five Democrats seeking their party's nomination. Why only five? We, here at PBS, have decided that Al Sharpton, Dennis Kusinich, John Edwards and Carol Mosley-Braun have been wasting our time. Originally we were going to invite them and ignore them; but, in the end, we decided that it'd be better for all concerned if we gave them a night off to meditate on just what delusions they are clearly operating under.

On our stage, from left to right, are Missouri congressman Dick Gephardt; United States Senator from the State of Connecticut Joe Leiberman; former Vermont Governor Howard Dean; retired General Wesley Clark; and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry; and...Well, now wait a minute. We have a sixth candidate up there...

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Jim.

Lehrer: Senator Clinton, you're not an announced candidate for President.

Clinton: That's true. But I refuse to rule anything out, Jim. That would be completely irresponsible of me.

Lehrer: Of course, all right. The first question comes from our guest panelist, Rush Limbaugh, and is for Governor Howard Dean. Rush?

Limbaugh: Governor Dean, You've repeatedly referred to yourself as a "centrist." Please explain the logic underlying that self-assessment.

Dean: Well, unlike every other candidate on this stage, and 70% of the American people, I believe that the war in Iraq is immoral and that we ought to cut and run and let the Ba'athists see if they can re-take their leadership. I believe that the way to stimulate economic recovery is to raise taxes. I believe that Americans should be forced to join labor unions. I believe that wild theories about the President being tipped off to the events of 9/11 by the Saudis are the most interesting. I think that these are -- clearly -- centrist positions. Don't you, Rush?

Limbaugh: What? I'm sorry, I have a vicatin-induced hearing loss. Were you talking to me?

Dean: I said that I think you should get used to submissive positions; don't you, Rush?

Lehrer: Senator Fudd..er... Leiberman; would you like to respond?

Leiberman: I'd just like to call on my colleagues to be honest and admit that we don't have a Chinaman's chance of winning this election. Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!

Lehrer: Thank you, Senator. Our next question is for Senator John Kerry, and it comes from panelist Molly Ivins. Molly?

Ivins: Senator Kerry, You were tauted early on as "the man to beat." Seeing as how you've not found any traction on the muddy road to victory, as well as the fact that you seem to resemble a musty artifact that might be spotted in a third-rate taxedermist's display window: when are you going to swallow your pride, bow out and let Governor Dean coast to the nomination?

Kerry: Having served in Vietnam, I believe that I have the foreign policy experience neccessary to govern that Governor Dean does not. To leave the race now would be to fuck up the future of the Democratic Party an' shit. I will not shirk my goddamn responsibility to my country for the sake of this bastard's poll numbers. I have some fucking dignity, y'know.

Lehrer: General Clark, do you have a response?

Clark: I've been fired from more wars than John Kerry has fought in, and my own plan to win the nomination is based on some very intriguing rumors I overheard in a bar by some truck drivers who were discussing Newsweek's covert intelligence operations in Sri Lanka.

Lehrer: And what is that plan?

Clark: It's a secret plan that I have.

Lehrer: Uh...

Clark: Don't question my patriotism like that, Jim.

Lehrer: Well, I wasn't...

Clark: How dare you sit there on your freedom-of-the-press-lovin' ass and accuse me of being unpatriotic! I have served my country in uniform for most of my adult life and I will not stand here and allow some lefty..er... right-wing shill to question my party loyalty!!

Lehrer: The final question for this evening is for Dick Gephardt, and comes from panelist Jonathan Alter. Jonathan?

Alter: Congressman Gephardt, What is your favorite song?

Gephardt: Well, I have to say that I've always been partial to "Dick Has To Win In Iowa (Or His White House Dream Is Dead)."

Alter: There's no such song.

Gephardt: I wrote it last night.

Lehrer: Time for closing statements. I say, it's time for closing... It's... What's that damn shrieking noise?

Clinton: Hel-lo-o-o-o-o!!

Lehrer: Good God, Hillary, would you just get out of our lives?!
The candidates will now give a closing argument as to why they deserve your vote -- in a word or less -- beginning from the left and moving left. Congressman Gephardt?

Gephardt: This satirical take on a Democratic candidates' debate has been a miserable failure. A mis-er-a-ble failure!

Leiberman: Four more years!

Dean: The South will rise again!

Clark: Who the hell am I?!

Kerry: Fuck. I mean... VIETNAM!! shit...

Lehrer: Thank you for joining us. Good luck, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

It's all just a game anyway...in't it?

Well, the Democrat debate on FoxNews is totally boring so I turned it off and wrote this mess:

Osmond: Hi, and welcome back to the celebrity edition of the $100 Pyramid, I'm Donny Osmond. I'm a grown man, dammit, why am I still calling myself "Donny?" Well, it's what I started with and it's too late to do anything about it nevermind.

In our game so far we have a tie score at nil to nada! Our team-members; Michael Moore and Ann Coulter, and Robert Downey Jr and Madonna, are going to move on to the last two categories we have on our board.
Robert, would you like "Out For A Stroll" or "Lucky 7"?

Downey: I think we'll try "Lucky 7", Donny.

Osmond: Of course, that means I can't tell you what these things have in common yet, but take the screen and see how many Madonna can guess. Ready? Go!

car

Downey: Okay, this is what we use to get where we want to go. Madonna: Boyfriends. Downey: No, no, it's worth alot of money and comes in different models. Madonna: Warren Beatty? Downey: No, it gets stuck in traffic jams on the highway. Madonna: Oh! A zipper! Downey: Pass it.

bicycle

Downey: This is something that you ride for fun and exercize. Madonna: The gardener. Downey: No, no, no, it's inanimate... Madonna: The plumber. Downey: *sigh* This is something that you pedal! Madonna: Sleaze! Downey: Pass it!

bus

Downey: Okay, this is something you'll find in the city. It can accomodate about 50 at a time. Madonna: Anna Nicole Smith. Downey: No, it's something you might take if you were travelling cross-country. Madonna: Extra batteries! Downey: No, no, when you're in London you might ride on a double decker... Madonna: Strap-on. Downey: Pass it!

pogo-stick

Downey: Pass it!

airplane

Downey: Okay, they fly up in the air. Madonna: Feet. Downey: No, some are huge and carry massive loads. Madonna: Condoms. Downey: Listen: They are aer-o-dy-nam-ic. Madonna: Cu-cum-bers.

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Oh, times up. The category was "modes of transportation" and the ones you missed were all them.
Well, that leaves "Out For A Stroll" for Ann and Michael. Ann will give the clues to these things you might see as you take a walk around the block. Ready? Go!

stop sign

Coulter: Okay, this is something you'll find at a street corner. Moore: A drug dealer forced into a life of crime by gross inequities in the system. Coulter: No, it's one word and usually on a pole. Moore: Madonna? Coulter: No, it's THIS BIG and has eight sides. Moore: Dinner. Coulter: Pass.

rose

Coulter: This is a type of flower. Moore: Semolina. Coulter: No, no, it smells sweet and is usually bought by the dozen. Moore: Doughnuts. Coulter: No, you'll likely see them on a bush. Moore: Hand-cuffs? Coulter: No, no, it's beautiful, but it's also thorny. Moore: The violent overthrow of the government. Coulter: Pass it!

squirrels

Coulter: Okay, you'll see these up in the trees. Moore: Agents of the Ashcroft Justice Department. Coulter: No, they're little animals that run away in fear if you try to get near them. Moore: Stupid white men! Coulter: No, they scamper around collecting nuts all summer. Moore: The NRA. Coulter: Just pass it. Pass it...

ant colony

Coulter: This is a group of creatures that work as a collective unit. Moore: Enlightened people. Coulter: No, they work all day to impress the queen. Moore: Unenlightened British people? Coulter: No, no, how do I say this...it's the entire organized society of little creatures that have no individual purpose, they just toil for the sake of the group. Moore: The worker's paradise!

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Well, we're still tied at zero, which means it's time for our tie-breaker round. Madonna, would you like card #1, or card #2?

Madonna: I'll take 2, Donny. And...see me after the show to find out what I mean 'cause, after the show; I plan on doing a little receiving.

Osmond: Uh, I'd be tempted except that I have no intention of joining you in hellfire eternal.

Madonna: *shrugs* Hmph, pick yer poison...

Osmond: Well, you picked #2, and that means that, for this tie-breaker round, you'll be giving the clues to Robert Downey Jr these words that begin with the letter H. Words that begin with the letter H. Ready? Go!

honeymoon

Madonna: Okay, after your wedding you had a... Downey: Hangover. Madonna: No, I mean you took your bride on a... Downey: Harley. Madonna: No, no, um...what's in the sky at night? Downey: Helicopters. Madonna: Pass!

habit

Madonna: okay okay, this is something that - if it's bad - you might want to break. Downey: Hyperthermia? Madonna: No, when you do something without thinking about it it's a... Downey: Hiccup! Madonna: Ugh, in the morning a nun will put on her... Downey: Haines? Madonna: Pass it!

hair

Madonna: Okay, this is on top of your head Downey: Halo. Madonna: You cut it when it's too long! Downey: Hemp! Madonna: Arrgh! I shave it off of my legs every day! Downey: Hives? Madonna: Pass it!!

headache

Madonna: Grrr, this is something that I have right now! Downey: Herpes. Madonna: It's a pain you get from stress! Downey: Hernia. Madonna: No, it's annoying, usually mostly in the temples... Downey: Hypocrite? Madonna: Pass! PASS!!

hug

Madonna: Okay, c'mon now! When someone gives you this you feel better! Downey: Heroin. Madonna: PASS!!!

honest

Madonna: When you tell the truth you are... Downey: Hospitalized. Madonna: No, you blithering idiot! Someone who tells the whole truth is being... Downey: Harsh and tactless, you washed-up cow!

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Well, time's up and you didn't get any, I'm sorry.
Michael and Ann, you have #1, and who'll be giving and who'll be receiving?

Moore: I'm gonna give, Donny.

Osmond: Okay, you're going to give to Ann clues to these things that begin with the letter T. Things that begin with the letter T, ready? Go!

travel

Moore: When you go from one place to another you... Coulter: Tranquilize. Moore: No, no, when you take a trip you.. Coulter: Tumble? Moore: If I - let's say - wanted to go to from my house to your house then I would they have to... Coulter: Tresspass! Moore: Pass.

teabag

Moore: okay, this is something you'd dunk in hot water. Coulter: Traitors. Moore: No, no, what's a drink that you might drink with lemon? Coulter: Tequila? Moore: Ugh, there's the phrase "Packs the wallop of a wet..." Coulter: Teamster! Moore: Pass!

talk

Moore: Okay, okay, here we go! When I speak to someone I am engaging in... Coulter: Treason. Moore: No! When you speak you... Coulter: Tingle! Moore: *sigh* Pass!!!

toad

Moore: Another word for "frog"! Coulter: Tyrant! Moore: PASS!!!!

trader

Moore: Someone who supports getting rid of all tariffs on imports is a "free-......" Coulter: Traitor!

*BELL*

Osmond: Wow, you did it!! And that means that you won the game and are going to the Pyramid! Yay!!

Okay, you have 60 seconds to get to the top of the pyramid, you know the rules, blah blah blah. Ann, you'll give nothing more than a list, no hands allowed. Ready? Go!

Things In A Lady's Purse

Coulter: A gun... money...
Moore: Things that are the root of all evil.
Coulter: National Review... the Constitution...
Moore: Things that oppress the masses.
Coulter: a tape recorder... another gun...
Moore: Things that can destroy a presidency.
Coulter: Pass it!

Palindromes

Coulter: Ewe...
Moore: Academy Award winners.
Coulter: ABBA...
Moore: Successful artists, successful entertainers...
Coulter: uh, um, radar...
Moore: Uh, highly complicated things...sophisticated things...
Coulter: uh...racecar...
Moore: High performance, impressive, well-tuned...
Coulter: Pass it.

Things a War Protester Might Say

Coulter: Uh, "I'm an America-hater"..."Why am I so clueless?"...
Moore: Things Trent Lott would say.
Coulter: "I should bathe more often"..."I don't know how to change a tire"..."My failure is your fault."
Moore: Things Roger Smith would say.
Coulter: "I really gotta move out of my parents' basement"..."Christ I'm useless"..
Moore: Entries in your diary...I dunno....
Coulter: Pass it!

Payroll Statistics of General Motors

Coulter: Pass!

Parts of an M-60 Machine Gun

Coulter: The buffer, the spring guide, the cover assembly, the piston, the bolt lever, the elevated sight, the...
Moore: Pass!

Academy Award Winners

Coulter: You.
Moore: Academy Award winners.

*BUZZER*

Osmond: Just in time! You just won $20!!

Moore: Can I go now?

Osmond: Please do. And that's our show for today, folks, but Ann and I would just like to say: [cue music]

Donny: May tomorrow be a perfect day
Ann: May you find love and laughter along the way
Donny: May God keep you in his tender care
Ann: 'til He brings us together again

Donny & Ann: G'night everybody!
*ROLL CREDITS AND CUT*

Fun With Factually Factitious Facts

This was hastily put together, so it might suck. But hey, whaddaya want for nuttin'...?

Russert: Welcome back to Meet The Press, I'm Tim Russert, and joining me now here in the studio is out-going California governor Grey Davis. Governor Davis...

Davis: "Out-going?"

Russert: What?

Davis: You just called me the "out-going" governor of California, Tim. The recall election isn't until October 7th, and I will prevail.

Russert: *hmch* Wake up. Besides, how do you know I wasn't calling you extroverted and jolly?

Davis: Oh! Was that what you meant?

Russert: No, but let's move on. You made waves this weekend by saying that no one should be the governor of California unless they can pronounce the name of the State. It was an obvious reference to Arnold Schwartzenegger's accent. Governor Davis, are you bigoted against immigrants with accents?

Davis: Of course not, Tim. I just signed the law that allows illegal immigrants to get a driver's license. Would I have done that if I didn't want what's best for me?

Russert: Uh...

Davis: The Republican conspirators are going to come at me with any rediculous fact they can dig up; but I am not going to just roll over like a drunken Irishman. I'm going to fight back with everything I've got.

Russert: On the driver's license issue; former Senator Robert Dole has weighed in, and let me put this up on the screen for our audience. Dole said:

"Giving driver's licenses to criminals is ludicrous and Bob Dole is against it. This is a cynical attempt to get Hispanic votes, and Bob Dole thinks that Governor Davis is a wussy. And dull. And his head's too big for his body. And, heavens to betsy, have you heard this guy speak? He sounds like Al Gore on estrogen. Bob Dole could beat this guy with Bob Dole's good arm tied behind Bob Dole's back."

Is this measure simply a cynical attempt to win over Hispanic voters?

Davis: Of course not, and I've got yet another way to do it.
As you can imagine, the maintenance and security of the bridges in our State is neccessary, but expensive. We've set up a new Department that is hiring wetbacks -- who work alot more cheaply than them Teamsters -- to keep our bridges safe, secure and well-maintained. Any illegals who are interested in working to keep the bridges in sparkling tip-top shape can go to the department's website at www.spic&span.ca.gov. I think it's going to be good for California.

Russert: I want to put another quote on the screen. This is from Jesse Jackson, a supporter of yours in the fight against the recall. Last week the Reverend Jackson said:

"On question 1, Davis could get 49% and lose. On question 2, someone else could get 29% and win. Democracy is replaced with Atrocity. Grey beat every contenda' but the right wing adjenda. The people have lost! How much did it cost?! The people have lost! How much did it cost?! The people have..."

Governor Davis, in Reverend Jackson's hypothetical example the biggest winner, with 51%, was "yes" on the recall. Could the per centage of the vote achieved by the winner on question 2 make the recall "undemocratic"?

Davis: Of course, Tim. The size of the field, and there are over 130 candidates on the ballot, could mean that the winner gets less votes than I do on question 1. If there were only two people on question 2, then that would mean that the winner would beat me, fair and square. So, you see, the problem is that; the greater the number of candidates on the ballot, the more Democracy is undermined. Taking that fact to it's logical conclusion; the truest Democracy would have only one candidate on the ballot.

Russert: Because only 100% approval would represent the true will of all the people?

Davis: Precisely. Furthermore; this process undermines the Democracy that's already occurred. The recall effort was begun as soon as I won re-election. Why should I have to answer to the people again so soon? Why should I have to answer to the people ever again?! I mean, I won the election, now can't we be done with elections already?!

Russert: Okay, there's just one more quote I'd like put up and have you to respond to before I kick you off the show. This is from Arnold Schwartzenegger, and I quote:

"Gove'neh Davis dt'inks he can beat de rwecaull. So, to him I have just one weurd: pack your bags."

Governor Davis?

Davis: He sure talks funny, eh?

Russert: That's all the time we have. My thanks to former governor Grey Davis...

Davis: Hey!

Russert: ...and, remember: if it's Sunday, it's Meet The Press.

What if...? vol ii

Since I had soooo much fun writing the last one, I've decided to try again!

What if STAR WARS was real, and was happening today? Why, you'd want to get news of the lastest developments from FoxNews, of course! I mean, duh!

O'Reilly: Welcome back to the Factor, I'm Bill O'Reilly. Joining me now to comment on what's been happening in the battle between the Empire and the rebel Alliance are syndicated columnist Andrew Sullivan, and co-host of CNN's Crossfire, Paul Begala.
Welcome, gentlemen.

Mister Begala; We've just gotten word, as you are well aware, that the Alliance has begun their attack on the DeathStar. I'm thinking these rebel fighters are gonna get slaughtered by the Imperial forces; they're out-gunned, ill-prepared and under-funded. What say you?

Begala: I can't believe I'm in agreement with a fascist xenophobe like you, Bill, but you're exactly right. The Alliance has been gunning for Darth Vader and the Emporer for years because they can't accept the results of the last war. But Vader is a brilliant tactician with an uncommon tap into the so-called "dark" side of the Force. What's Luke Skywalker and his moronic pack of Free-dumb fighters got? An illegal strike force led by a petulant brat, that's what, and in this battle the rebel force is gonna go down like Linda Lovelace.

O'Reilly: All right, you support the Empire and I think that's crazy and lemme tell you why. Darth Vader is a tyrant, okay? Vader...

Begala: Darth Vader built the Tatooine school system where Little Lukie Skywalker got his pilot's license...

O'Reilly: ...hear me out, Paul, 'cause this is the No Spin Zone...
Darth Vader climbed the ladder of the Empire's heirachy through brutal tactics like murder and torture, all right? Vader is building a DeathStar that will be used to threaten the entire sector with destruction if all don't bow down to the Emporer, and sources say it will be fully operational very shortly. He even had Skywalker's aunt and uncle killed, okay? That's a tyranny that needs to be overthrown, am I wrong?

Begala: You're dead wrong, the rebels are dead wrong, and if they don't get on board soon and praise the Emporer you and them are gonna be just plain dead.
We have no proof that the "DeathStar" -- which by the way is actually called the Command Sphere, talk about spin -- is anywhere near to being fully operational. The plans that Princess Leah SMUGGLED into the rebel base are forgeries according to the BBC. Leah's spreading lies, and she's a criminal who oughtta have her throne plugged in, if you know what I mean.

O'Reilly: I'm not buyin' it, I'm not buyin' it. That story about the plans being forgeries is, so far, the most rediculous item of the day. But let me turn now to Andrew Sullivan.
Mister Sullivan; R2-D2 and another droid, C-3PO, made it to Tattoine with that message to Obi Wan Kenobi in an escape pod from the rebel ship where Princess Leah was captured. The two droids were salvaged by Jawas, and then sold to this kid Skywalker, okay? By sheer coincidence Skywalker happened to know Kenobi and the message got through. But, I mean, come on! Their ship is found by Darth Vader, it gets attacked and boarded by stormtroopers! the message got through by sheer luck! What kind of operation are the rebels runnin' here? They really gotta get their act together, am I wrong?!

Sullivan: What's important is that it got through, even though Maureen Dowd says the important thing was that Leah didn't seem impassioned enough.

O'Reilly: Yeah, we know, Maureen Dowd in the New York Times says that the calm manner in which Leah delivered the message didn't match the dire urgency of it's content, and she claims that that's evidence that Leah may have been overstating the case...

Begala: And that's right. Leah's Chicken Little message was as transparent as the hologram that delivered it, and shame on her.

Sullivan: What's important now is that the Alliance is prepared to mount this attack now, as Jonah Goldberg wrote at NRO. Money quote:

Goldberg: "The Alliance, at long last, seems to finally have regained the will to fight that it lost after the retirement of Kenobi and the other Jedi knights all those years ago.
Which reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Timmy O'Toole was trapped in the well. The police and the media went home after they learned that "Timmy" was Bart playing a hoax. It was when all seemed most hopeless that one man, Homer, became so angry that he began to dig a tunnel to the bottom of the well by himself.
Groundskeeper Willie joined in, and soon the entire town was on their way to the well with shovels. "What's going on?" someone asked the bearded old man. "Why, it's an old-fashioned hole-digging! By Gar, it's been a while.""

Read the whole thing.

Begala: The only thing left to figure out about Jonah Goldberg is: is he a neo-nazi or a pre-neanderthal?

Sullivan: I support victory for the Alliance because I'd hate to see what would happen to C-3PO if the Empire ever discovered his secret.

O'Reilly: Well now explain that, Andrew. Do you have sources with special access to secrets that C-3PO might have?

Sullivan: No, no special sources. The secret I'm talking about I learned by virtue of my own personal resources.

Begala: Y'mean like Radar, only gifferent?

Sullivan: Exactly.

O'Reilly: All right, all right, as always we'll let the audience decide.
Joining me now, via satellite from his home in Kent, Connecticut, is former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Doctor Kissinger, welcome to the Factor.

Kissinger: Dank you, idz grdeat to be here.

O'Reilly: Doctor Kissinger, as you know, neither side in this struggle seems interested in negotiating a peace settlement; the Alliance is determined to destroy the DeathStar and eventually the Empire, and the Empire isn't about to give up any of it's authority.
If the rebel fleet is destroyed by the Imperial forces, I don't see any way that the Alliance can recover for decades. What say you, sir?

Kissinger: Vell, Bill, ze first t'ing dat ze Alliance needs to do is to rdealize dat dey vill not haf de aut'ority to gove'n ze terditordies contrdoled vit an i'on fist by ze empordeur und hiz main henchman Dardt Vader becaus zey haf not had ze time to stdengzen ze infdasducture of ze local rdulers who vould take ze rdeigns of poweh ven ze empirde is rdemoved by ze insurdgencies dat ze haf not had the rdesources to secuaw becaus ze haf been focused on ze Deadt'Stard to de egsclusion of ze foundations of ze societies zat dey intend to liberdate frdum ze despotic leadaship courdently entrdenched in ze strdategic locations surdounding und t'roughout ze vast egspanses in vich Luke Skyvalker is curdently engaging ze Imperdial fleet vich is very int'rdesting to vatch as Luke vill vatch luke und de vatch luke at de vatch you ah gedding veddy zleepy veddy zleepy ach mein volken vit' deir lederhosen, außerdem: Ich habe offensichtlich das wovon ich spreche und in welchem Sprache ich es sagen wollte glatt vergessen und, deshalb, mein Gedankengang ganz verloren. Ich werde es aber versuchen, den nächsten Gang treu und brav zu folgen...

O'Reilly: I gotta stop you right there, Doctor Kissinger, 'cause I'm not gonna sit here and be hypnotized by the likes of you. It's just not gonna happen, okay?
Okay?
Doctor Kissinger?

Sullivan: Looks like he's asleep.

O'Reilly: All right, we're just about out of time, last question, Mister Sullivan, how do you see this attack on the DeathStar coming out?

Sullivan: Coming out? Well, I think the Alliance has a good chance to do some damage. They've got young and eager pilots that look great in their flight suits. I'm optimistic because I think that the people are behind them thrusting them on with their love and encouragement.

Begala: I think that Darth Vader will personally get into a fighter and take out that punk Skywalker himself...

O'Reilly: Hold on, Paul, lemme respond to that and then I'll give you the last word. I've invited Vader on to answer the tough questions numerous times, but he's afraid of the Factor. He's like every maniacal dictator: he's a coward, all right? He's a coward. Now I'll give you the last word.

Begala: Bush illegitimate selected not elected Florida 2000 total popular vote WMD arsenic caribou ANWR Enron deficit tax cuts for the rich quagmire Ashcroft...

O'Reilly: Thank you both for appearing...

Begala: ...faith based 911 cover-up...

O'Reilly: ...as always, we'll let the audience decide...

Begala: ...patriot act 2 Estrada federalist yellowcake...

O'Reilly: That's the Factor on Fox, fair and balanced...

Begala: ...state of the union subliminable DWI...

O'Reilly: ...and unafraid.

Begala: ...choking on a pretz-- AGGH!! AK!! mmnngggg!! nnnggg!!!

Sullivan: You WISH this was a pretzel...
CUT TO COMMERCIAL

Special thanks to my esteemed Emporer for the German translation!!

What if...

What if the movie JAWS was real, and it happened today? Why, you'd keep up with the latest by tuning to FoxNews, of course!

Britt Hume: Hi and welcome to Special Report, I'm Britt Hume.
Joining me now to discuss the situation at Amity Island tonight is our extended panel. Please welcome James Carville, Jeff Birnbaum, Sean Hannity, Jonathan Alter and Dennis Miller.

Sean, let me start with you. Captain Quint's boat, the Orca, has been at sea all day having set off to find and kill the Great White shark. Question: Are these three men -- Quint the Captain, Matt Hooper the oceanographer, and Police Chief Martin Brody -- enough to get the job done?

Hannity: This is the problem with Liberals today, Britt. First they didn't want anybody to kill the shark because they're totally beholden to PETA and the environmentalists; they make outrageous claims about the loss of life that'll take place if they try to get the shark; THEN they turn around and complain that there aren't ENOUGH guys on that boat that's gone out to kill it. It's sad what the party of JFK - an avid boater in those same waters - has become.

Carville: Wait now...let's just look...let's look at what we got heah. We got three guys going out on a ricketty old tub...they may be fine men, I do'no...going out to kill a shawk! What what what is...what threat is this shawk to them?
It only ate people who were in the watah! I mean you go into the watah where there are shawks and, I'm sorry to break it to ya folks, but yer gawna get eaten!

Hannity: James, four people and one dog have been slaughtered by this monster...

Carville: Well it didn' walk onto the beach, Sean. If that fish was lyin' on a blanket with a basket of lotion then I'd say there's a problem...but let the shawk be a shawk...

Hume: Isn't the problem, fellas -- the real issue -- an economic one... Jeff?

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, I just, let me say, uh, uh, it's Inde-, uh, Independence, uh, 4th of July weekend and, uh, it's a serious economic, uh, uh, situation, er, uh, concern.

Hume: Right, but how do weigh the economic health of Amity -- which depends on the open beaches -- against the need to keep people from becoming breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Birnbaum: Well, uh, these things need to, uh, be weighed by, uh, uh, in order to...

Alter: The real concern is that there are a lot of unanswered questions going around, Wolf, about...

Hume: Britt.

Alter: ....about why Chief Bundy ordered the beaches kept open in order to feed as many people as possible to the school of giant sharks. It may be that there is alot more going on than we know.
Ever since Alex Kintner's grandmother slapped the Chief, people have been saying in hushed tones "Brody lied, people died."

Hume: Uh...let's move on.
Dennis Miller... Matt Hooper, the oceanographer, brought a lot of modern equipment aboard Quint's boat. Rumor has it that Quint's a bit of a traditionalist, an old salt, as it were. How do you see their well-known rivalry playing out on board the ship?

Miller: Well, listen Cha-Cha, these guys are scaling the Matterhorn in a speed-o. What can I tell ya, Custer was better poised for victory than these three faux Ceausteaus. They're gonna see the size of that Grendel-with-gills and have as much optimism as Iron Eyes Cody when he got to the side of the highway.

Hume: So, you wonder if they really even understand what they've gotten themselves into...

Miller: Lemme tell ya, this isn't Snuffalupogus of the Sea. It's as big as a grain silo and twice as indifferent. It'll be worse than the death-toll that could have been avoided had Marion Crane only listened to a weather report.

Hume: Well, we have breaking news that the team on Orca has harpooned the shark with three barrels. This is to bring the shark to the surface and track his position. James?

Carville: What what what what in the hell are they doing shooting haw'poons into this shawk?! How would they like it if a school of catfish invaded their backyawd and started shooting them?! This is madness maddened.

Hannity: You Libs don't believe in self-defense, don't believe in the freedom to go into the water at the beach on a hot summer day...

Alter: I can't fathom why they're wasting their time with harpoons and barrels and beacons when all they have to do is show some patience and wait for the shark to come up for air.

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, uh, think that the shark needs to be, uh, er,

Hume: Spit it out, Jeff.

Birnbaum: needs to be either captured, or, uh, killed, or, uh, otherwise, uh, uh, dealt with.

Miller: Well, that was the longest trip to nowhere since Jack Swigert gave the oxygen a stir.

Hume: Joining us now via satellite from Amity beach is Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Senator Clinton, welcome.

Clinton: (cackling in obviously forced laughter) Ha ha ha, hi Britt. Great to be with you!

Hume: Senator, have you gotten a sense of how the beachgoers feel about the Orca crew having headed out to kill the shark?

Clinton: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes! I've been listening very closely to their opinions and views which we, their trusted overseers, are so eager to hear. So, while I did have some of them talk to me, I unfortunately had to have some them removed by my entourage, and don't recall any of what they alledgedly told me about the several victims and their little dog, too! Ha! Ha! Ha!!

But as you know, Britt, my daughter Chelsea was swimming in those very waters at the time of the last attack. So, as her mother, and being so personally victimized by this, I've been very deeply and sincerely trying to show concern for all of Amity Island.

Hume: Well, actually, wasn't Chelsea swimming in a pool at the YWCA in Cambridge?

Clinton: I'm sorry, the signal is a bit choppy...

Hume: Senator, you've criticized the mayor, rather harshly, for his keeping the beaches open even after several shark attacks. Have you met with the mayor; and, if so, how did the meeting go?

Clinton: (fumbling through her notes) I'm sorry, Britt, but that question was not on the list of questions that was approved by our staffs. I'm afraid I'm unprepared to provide the information and documents. Other than that, I don't recall.

Hume: Well, I just thought that since you had been quoted...

Clinton: And I stand by what I said, and I am sick and TIRED of being called PARANOID everytime I speak out as an American against The Conspiracy in ANY reckless manner I PLEASE!! I don't think that ANY American should have to APPOLOGIZE for saying ANYTHING UNPOPULAR ABOUT ANY ISLAND'S ADMINISTRATION!!!!

Birnbaum: I, uh, my earpiece exploded.

Miller: Was that the B-side of "Instant Kharma"?

Hume: Well, we've got a few seconds left. So, final question for the panel: How will this all end? James?

Carville: Awl three are gawna die in the mouth of that shawk, and they deserve it, too, for their neo-colonialist ocean-rape.

Hannity: Let not your heart be troubled. Brody, Hooper and Quint will tow that shark in and show the world what Americans can do when they're attacked. I mean, how great is this?!

Birnbaum: Well, I, uh, want to know more before, uh, I pre-, uh pre-...

Hume: Jonathan?

Alter: I think that Quinn and Brady will die, but Ishmael will be okay.

Miller: Well, ironically they've bitten off more than they can chew and they're gonna start losing weight one limb at a time and feel like Sharon Tate on the Susan Atkins diet. I mean, lemme tell ya, this is gonna be about as pretty as how I imagine a John Waters version of "Striptease". Ted Williams has a better chance of getting sunstroke...

Hume: And that's all the time we have this time...

Miller: ...than Isabella Rossalini reviving the Stanislovsky method...

Hume: ...so, until next time, good-night...

Miller: ...on Pitcairne Island with Fletcher dancing the Wilbury Twist...

Hume: ...and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Miller: ...while Ronnie Milsap takes his gift certificate to LensCrafters...
CUT TO COMMERCIAL