September 23, 2004
Exclusive: Heinz-Kerry Working for Rodham-Clinton?
BOSTON [A&P]-- Teresa Heinz-Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful Senator John Kerry (D-Mass), has been deliberately sabotaging her husband's campaign it has been revealed in secret documents obtained from CBS News.
"There is a method to her madness," said Rebecca Jameson, special assistant to Senator Hillary Rodham-Clinton (D-NY), responding to the outting of Heinz-Kerry's subterfuge. "She's been onboard with us from the git go."
Lacing her speech with words that seem to belie an "anti-social pathology", Heinz-Kerry is "deliberately undermining Senator Kerry's chances for election to the Presidency," the CBS documents reveal.
Telling reporters to "shove it," calling political opponents "scumbags" and "idiots" predicting that Osama Bin Ladin "may be 'found' in the days leading up to the November 2nd election", erstwhile Republican Heinz-Kerry is, in fact, attempting to "pull the rug out from under" Kerry's election effort in an effort to keep 2008 open for Senator Clinton.
"It's just insidious," piped Mary Mapes, producer of 60 Minutes Wednesday. "I saw these documents and immediately said 'You gotta be shittin' me!' But, clearly it's true."
Asked how she knew that it was "clearly...true", Mapes emotionally inquired "Am I the only one who still trusts my CBS's reporting??"
Responding via telephone, Heinz-Kerry has told A&P that she has "never not supported my husband, dillweed. If you think that I want Chimp-boy to give us another four years of hell then you're not paying attention, twerp.
"And I challenge Shrubette to a debate," she continued. "We oughta have a First Ladies' debate just so's I can expose the scum sucking librarian for what she is: the drawling shillwife of a doofus dork who can make cuter daughters than the Frankenspawn that my current husband made.
"You think I'm kidding, Punjab? Huh? Maybe she's got a well-heeled aura of dignity, but her President says he's trying to make the world safe for peace and Democracy and that lie is as un-American as my accent, assmunch?
Of course I want my husband to win.
No, really.
What...?!"
Developing...
[Update: Wow, that was a pretty lame post, eh?--TS]
