September 04, 2003

What if...

What if the movie JAWS was real, and it happened today? Why, you'd keep up with the latest by tuning to FoxNews, of course!

Britt Hume: Hi and welcome to Special Report, I'm Britt Hume.
Joining me now to discuss the situation at Amity Island tonight is our extended panel. Please welcome James Carville, Jeff Birnbaum, Sean Hannity, Jonathan Alter and Dennis Miller.

Sean, let me start with you. Captain Quint's boat, the Orca, has been at sea all day having set off to find and kill the Great White shark. Question: Are these three men -- Quint the Captain, Matt Hooper the oceanographer, and Police Chief Martin Brody -- enough to get the job done?

Hannity: This is the problem with Liberals today, Britt. First they didn't want anybody to kill the shark because they're totally beholden to PETA and the environmentalists; they make outrageous claims about the loss of life that'll take place if they try to get the shark; THEN they turn around and complain that there aren't ENOUGH guys on that boat that's gone out to kill it. It's sad what the party of JFK - an avid boater in those same waters - has become.

Carville: Wait now...let's just look...let's look at what we got heah. We got three guys going out on a ricketty old tub...they may be fine men, I do'no...going out to kill a shawk! What what what is...what threat is this shawk to them?
It only ate people who were in the watah! I mean you go into the watah where there are shawks and, I'm sorry to break it to ya folks, but yer gawna get eaten!

Hannity: James, four people and one dog have been slaughtered by this monster...

Carville: Well it didn' walk onto the beach, Sean. If that fish was lyin' on a blanket with a basket of lotion then I'd say there's a problem...but let the shawk be a shawk...

Hume: Isn't the problem, fellas -- the real issue -- an economic one... Jeff?

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, I just, let me say, uh, uh, it's Inde-, uh, Independence, uh, 4th of July weekend and, uh, it's a serious economic, uh, uh, situation, er, uh, concern.

Hume: Right, but how do weigh the economic health of Amity -- which depends on the open beaches -- against the need to keep people from becoming breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Birnbaum: Well, uh, these things need to, uh, be weighed by, uh, uh, in order to...

Alter: The real concern is that there are a lot of unanswered questions going around, Wolf, about...

Hume: Britt.

Alter: ....about why Chief Bundy ordered the beaches kept open in order to feed as many people as possible to the school of giant sharks. It may be that there is alot more going on than we know.
Ever since Alex Kintner's grandmother slapped the Chief, people have been saying in hushed tones "Brody lied, people died."

Hume: Uh...let's move on.
Dennis Miller... Matt Hooper, the oceanographer, brought a lot of modern equipment aboard Quint's boat. Rumor has it that Quint's a bit of a traditionalist, an old salt, as it were. How do you see their well-known rivalry playing out on board the ship?

Miller: Well, listen Cha-Cha, these guys are scaling the Matterhorn in a speed-o. What can I tell ya, Custer was better poised for victory than these three faux Ceausteaus. They're gonna see the size of that Grendel-with-gills and have as much optimism as Iron Eyes Cody when he got to the side of the highway.

Hume: So, you wonder if they really even understand what they've gotten themselves into...

Miller: Lemme tell ya, this isn't Snuffalupogus of the Sea. It's as big as a grain silo and twice as indifferent. It'll be worse than the death-toll that could have been avoided had Marion Crane only listened to a weather report.

Hume: Well, we have breaking news that the team on Orca has harpooned the shark with three barrels. This is to bring the shark to the surface and track his position. James?

Carville: What what what what in the hell are they doing shooting haw'poons into this shawk?! How would they like it if a school of catfish invaded their backyawd and started shooting them?! This is madness maddened.

Hannity: You Libs don't believe in self-defense, don't believe in the freedom to go into the water at the beach on a hot summer day...

Alter: I can't fathom why they're wasting their time with harpoons and barrels and beacons when all they have to do is show some patience and wait for the shark to come up for air.

Birnbaum: Well, I, I, uh, think that the shark needs to be, uh, er,

Hume: Spit it out, Jeff.

Birnbaum: needs to be either captured, or, uh, killed, or, uh, otherwise, uh, uh, dealt with.

Miller: Well, that was the longest trip to nowhere since Jack Swigert gave the oxygen a stir.

Hume: Joining us now via satellite from Amity beach is Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. Senator Clinton, welcome.

Clinton: (cackling in obviously forced laughter) Ha ha ha, hi Britt. Great to be with you!

Hume: Senator, have you gotten a sense of how the beachgoers feel about the Orca crew having headed out to kill the shark?

Clinton: Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes! I've been listening very closely to their opinions and views which we, their trusted overseers, are so eager to hear. So, while I did have some of them talk to me, I unfortunately had to have some them removed by my entourage, and don't recall any of what they alledgedly told me about the several victims and their little dog, too! Ha! Ha! Ha!!

But as you know, Britt, my daughter Chelsea was swimming in those very waters at the time of the last attack. So, as her mother, and being so personally victimized by this, I've been very deeply and sincerely trying to show concern for all of Amity Island.

Hume: Well, actually, wasn't Chelsea swimming in a pool at the YWCA in Cambridge?

Clinton: I'm sorry, the signal is a bit choppy...

Hume: Senator, you've criticized the mayor, rather harshly, for his keeping the beaches open even after several shark attacks. Have you met with the mayor; and, if so, how did the meeting go?

Clinton: (fumbling through her notes) I'm sorry, Britt, but that question was not on the list of questions that was approved by our staffs. I'm afraid I'm unprepared to provide the information and documents. Other than that, I don't recall.

Hume: Well, I just thought that since you had been quoted...

Clinton: And I stand by what I said, and I am sick and TIRED of being called PARANOID everytime I speak out as an American against The Conspiracy in ANY reckless manner I PLEASE!! I don't think that ANY American should have to APPOLOGIZE for saying ANYTHING UNPOPULAR ABOUT ANY ISLAND'S ADMINISTRATION!!!!

Birnbaum: I, uh, my earpiece exploded.

Miller: Was that the B-side of "Instant Kharma"?

Hume: Well, we've got a few seconds left. So, final question for the panel: How will this all end? James?

Carville: Awl three are gawna die in the mouth of that shawk, and they deserve it, too, for their neo-colonialist ocean-rape.

Hannity: Let not your heart be troubled. Brody, Hooper and Quint will tow that shark in and show the world what Americans can do when they're attacked. I mean, how great is this?!

Birnbaum: Well, I, uh, want to know more before, uh, I pre-, uh pre-...

Hume: Jonathan?

Alter: I think that Quinn and Brady will die, but Ishmael will be okay.

Miller: Well, ironically they've bitten off more than they can chew and they're gonna start losing weight one limb at a time and feel like Sharon Tate on the Susan Atkins diet. I mean, lemme tell ya, this is gonna be about as pretty as how I imagine a John Waters version of "Striptease". Ted Williams has a better chance of getting sunstroke...

Hume: And that's all the time we have this time...

Miller: ...than Isabella Rossalini reviving the Stanislovsky method...

Hume:, until next time, good-night...

Miller: ...on Pitcairne Island with Fletcher dancing the Wilbury Twist...

Hume: ...and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Miller: ...while Ronnie Milsap takes his gift certificate to LensCrafters...

Posted by Tuning Spork at September 4, 2003 09:56 PM

Good job, Spork.

Alter said 'fathom'. heh.

Posted by: Noel at September 4, 2003 10:49 PM


Posted by: Susie at September 4, 2003 11:35 PM

Your Carville impression is PERFECT.

Posted by: Jeff at September 5, 2003 07:54 AM

CLASSIC!!!! *standing ovation*

"Well, that was the longest trip to nowhere since Jack Swigert gave the oxygen a stir."


Posted by: Ted at September 5, 2003 01:52 PM

Pissing my pants. You've captured not only Carville dead-on, but also Hillary, Hannity and Dennis Miller. (By the way, Miller has a great line about Bill and Hillary: Their marriage couldn't have been more about convenience if they had a Slim Jim rack and a Slurpee machine at the foot of their bed. One of his less arcane and convoluted references. I guess I liked it because I actually understood it.) Excellent work, Spork. Let's have more of same. You've got a gift (even if your spelling is spotty at times -- it's "Cousteau")

Posted by: Freedom's Slave at September 5, 2003 11:23 PM

Utter brilliance!

Posted by: jonag at September 9, 2003 12:15 AM

I can't wait to hear Hillary's take on the Amityville Horror.

Posted by: LibertyBob at September 9, 2003 08:52 AM

The best Dennis Miller impersonation ever!

Posted by: Ethne at September 10, 2003 10:01 AM
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