September 06, 2003

What if...? vol ii

Since I had soooo much fun writing the last one, I've decided to try again!

What if STAR WARS was real, and was happening today? Why, you'd want to get news of the lastest developments from FoxNews, of course! I mean, duh!

O'Reilly: Welcome back to the Factor, I'm Bill O'Reilly. Joining me now to comment on what's been happening in the battle between the Empire and the rebel Alliance are syndicated columnist Andrew Sullivan, and co-host of CNN's Crossfire, Paul Begala.
Welcome, gentlemen.

Mister Begala; We've just gotten word, as you are well aware, that the Alliance has begun their attack on the DeathStar. I'm thinking these rebel fighters are gonna get slaughtered by the Imperial forces; they're out-gunned, ill-prepared and under-funded. What say you?

Begala: I can't believe I'm in agreement with a fascist xenophobe like you, Bill, but you're exactly right. The Alliance has been gunning for Darth Vader and the Emporer for years because they can't accept the results of the last war. But Vader is a brilliant tactician with an uncommon tap into the so-called "dark" side of the Force. What's Luke Skywalker and his moronic pack of Free-dumb fighters got? An illegal strike force led by a petulant brat, that's what, and in this battle the rebel force is gonna go down like Linda Lovelace.

O'Reilly: All right, you support the Empire and I think that's crazy and lemme tell you why. Darth Vader is a tyrant, okay? Vader...

Begala: Darth Vader built the Tatooine school system where Little Lukie Skywalker got his pilot's license...

O'Reilly: ...hear me out, Paul, 'cause this is the No Spin Zone...
Darth Vader climbed the ladder of the Empire's heirachy through brutal tactics like murder and torture, all right? Vader is building a DeathStar that will be used to threaten the entire sector with destruction if all don't bow down to the Emporer, and sources say it will be fully operational very shortly. He even had Skywalker's aunt and uncle killed, okay? That's a tyranny that needs to be overthrown, am I wrong?

Begala: You're dead wrong, the rebels are dead wrong, and if they don't get on board soon and praise the Emporer you and them are gonna be just plain dead.
We have no proof that the "DeathStar" -- which by the way is actually called the Command Sphere, talk about spin -- is anywhere near to being fully operational. The plans that Princess Leah SMUGGLED into the rebel base are forgeries according to the BBC. Leah's spreading lies, and she's a criminal who oughtta have her throne plugged in, if you know what I mean.

O'Reilly: I'm not buyin' it, I'm not buyin' it. That story about the plans being forgeries is, so far, the most rediculous item of the day. But let me turn now to Andrew Sullivan.
Mister Sullivan; R2-D2 and another droid, C-3PO, made it to Tattoine with that message to Obi Wan Kenobi in an escape pod from the rebel ship where Princess Leah was captured. The two droids were salvaged by Jawas, and then sold to this kid Skywalker, okay? By sheer coincidence Skywalker happened to know Kenobi and the message got through. But, I mean, come on! Their ship is found by Darth Vader, it gets attacked and boarded by stormtroopers! the message got through by sheer luck! What kind of operation are the rebels runnin' here? They really gotta get their act together, am I wrong?!

Sullivan: What's important is that it got through, even though Maureen Dowd says the important thing was that Leah didn't seem impassioned enough.

O'Reilly: Yeah, we know, Maureen Dowd in the New York Times says that the calm manner in which Leah delivered the message didn't match the dire urgency of it's content, and she claims that that's evidence that Leah may have been overstating the case...

Begala: And that's right. Leah's Chicken Little message was as transparent as the hologram that delivered it, and shame on her.

Sullivan: What's important now is that the Alliance is prepared to mount this attack now, as Jonah Goldberg wrote at NRO. Money quote:

Goldberg: "The Alliance, at long last, seems to finally have regained the will to fight that it lost after the retirement of Kenobi and the other Jedi knights all those years ago.
Which reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Timmy O'Toole was trapped in the well. The police and the media went home after they learned that "Timmy" was Bart playing a hoax. It was when all seemed most hopeless that one man, Homer, became so angry that he began to dig a tunnel to the bottom of the well by himself.
Groundskeeper Willie joined in, and soon the entire town was on their way to the well with shovels. "What's going on?" someone asked the bearded old man. "Why, it's an old-fashioned hole-digging! By Gar, it's been a while.""

Read the whole thing.

Begala: The only thing left to figure out about Jonah Goldberg is: is he a neo-nazi or a pre-neanderthal?

Sullivan: I support victory for the Alliance because I'd hate to see what would happen to C-3PO if the Empire ever discovered his secret.

O'Reilly: Well now explain that, Andrew. Do you have sources with special access to secrets that C-3PO might have?

Sullivan: No, no special sources. The secret I'm talking about I learned by virtue of my own personal resources.

Begala: Y'mean like Radar, only gifferent?

Sullivan: Exactly.

O'Reilly: All right, all right, as always we'll let the audience decide.
Joining me now, via satellite from his home in Kent, Connecticut, is former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Doctor Kissinger, welcome to the Factor.

Kissinger: Dank you, idz grdeat to be here.

O'Reilly: Doctor Kissinger, as you know, neither side in this struggle seems interested in negotiating a peace settlement; the Alliance is determined to destroy the DeathStar and eventually the Empire, and the Empire isn't about to give up any of it's authority.
If the rebel fleet is destroyed by the Imperial forces, I don't see any way that the Alliance can recover for decades. What say you, sir?

Kissinger: Vell, Bill, ze first t'ing dat ze Alliance needs to do is to rdealize dat dey vill not haf de aut'ority to gove'n ze terditordies contrdoled vit an i'on fist by ze empordeur und hiz main henchman Dardt Vader becaus zey haf not had ze time to stdengzen ze infdasducture of ze local rdulers who vould take ze rdeigns of poweh ven ze empirde is rdemoved by ze insurdgencies dat ze haf not had the rdesources to secuaw becaus ze haf been focused on ze Deadt'Stard to de egsclusion of ze foundations of ze societies zat dey intend to liberdate frdum ze despotic leadaship courdently entrdenched in ze strdategic locations surdounding und t'roughout ze vast egspanses in vich Luke Skyvalker is curdently engaging ze Imperdial fleet vich is very int'rdesting to vatch as Luke vill vatch luke und de vatch luke at de vatch you ah gedding veddy zleepy veddy zleepy ach mein volken vit' deir lederhosen, außerdem: Ich habe offensichtlich das wovon ich spreche und in welchem Sprache ich es sagen wollte glatt vergessen und, deshalb, mein Gedankengang ganz verloren. Ich werde es aber versuchen, den nächsten Gang treu und brav zu folgen...

O'Reilly: I gotta stop you right there, Doctor Kissinger, 'cause I'm not gonna sit here and be hypnotized by the likes of you. It's just not gonna happen, okay?
Doctor Kissinger?

Sullivan: Looks like he's asleep.

O'Reilly: All right, we're just about out of time, last question, Mister Sullivan, how do you see this attack on the DeathStar coming out?

Sullivan: Coming out? Well, I think the Alliance has a good chance to do some damage. They've got young and eager pilots that look great in their flight suits. I'm optimistic because I think that the people are behind them thrusting them on with their love and encouragement.

Begala: I think that Darth Vader will personally get into a fighter and take out that punk Skywalker himself...

O'Reilly: Hold on, Paul, lemme respond to that and then I'll give you the last word. I've invited Vader on to answer the tough questions numerous times, but he's afraid of the Factor. He's like every maniacal dictator: he's a coward, all right? He's a coward. Now I'll give you the last word.

Begala: Bush illegitimate selected not elected Florida 2000 total popular vote WMD arsenic caribou ANWR Enron deficit tax cuts for the rich quagmire Ashcroft...

O'Reilly: Thank you both for appearing...

Begala: based 911 cover-up...

O'Reilly: always, we'll let the audience decide...

Begala: ...patriot act 2 Estrada federalist yellowcake...

O'Reilly: That's the Factor on Fox, fair and balanced...

Begala: ...state of the union subliminable DWI...

O'Reilly: ...and unafraid.

Begala: ...choking on a pretz-- AGGH!! AK!! mmnngggg!! nnnggg!!!

Sullivan: You WISH this was a pretzel...

Special thanks to my esteemed Emporer for the German translation!!

Posted by Tuning Spork at September 6, 2003 08:02 PM

Heh :)

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 7, 2003 12:11 AM

Making stuff up is fun! :-)

Posted by: Jennifer at September 7, 2003 12:31 AM

You're becoming the thinking mans Ethel.

Posted by: Ted at September 7, 2003 08:36 AM

That was (superlative eludes me at the moment but better than really really good)!

Posted by: Susie at September 7, 2003 10:08 AM

Hmm. I came over here expecting recipes for apple walnut pie. (Hides disappointment.)

Posted by: Jennifer at September 7, 2003 02:36 PM

Ooops, sorry Jennifer. It was a cyber pie only available at Daniel's. I'll put up something good, though. PROMISE!!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 7, 2003 02:56 PM

:-) Yay, pie!

Posted by: Jennifer at September 7, 2003 04:09 PM

One word:


The Goldberg money quote was an especially nice touch.

Posted by: Cyn at September 10, 2003 06:40 PM

For that last sentence, here's Google's semi-coherent translation:

I have obviously about which I speak and into which language I it to say wanted smoothly forgotten and, therefore, my train of thought completely lost. I will however try it, the next course faithfully and good to follow...

Posted by: Tom F. at September 11, 2003 12:28 AM

ROFL, Tom F; good show! I was wondering when someone was going to offer a translation!

However, the not-so-googley-semi-coherent translation is:

"...and furthermore; it has become apparent that I have forgotten what I was talking about, and in which language I was saying it, because I have clearly lost my train of thought, but I will try to catch the next one."

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 11, 2003 12:39 AM

After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.

Posted by: Craig Barbara at February 27, 2004 04:33 PM
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