September 09, 2003

It's all just a game't it?

Well, the Democrat debate on FoxNews is totally boring so I turned it off and wrote this mess:

Osmond: Hi, and welcome back to the celebrity edition of the $100 Pyramid, I'm Donny Osmond. I'm a grown man, dammit, why am I still calling myself "Donny?" Well, it's what I started with and it's too late to do anything about it nevermind.

In our game so far we have a tie score at nil to nada! Our team-members; Michael Moore and Ann Coulter, and Robert Downey Jr and Madonna, are going to move on to the last two categories we have on our board.
Robert, would you like "Out For A Stroll" or "Lucky 7"?

Downey: I think we'll try "Lucky 7", Donny.

Osmond: Of course, that means I can't tell you what these things have in common yet, but take the screen and see how many Madonna can guess. Ready? Go!

Downey: Okay, this is what we use to get where we want to go. Madonna: Boyfriends. Downey: No, no, it's worth alot of money and comes in different models. Madonna: Warren Beatty? Downey: No, it gets stuck in traffic jams on the highway. Madonna: Oh! A zipper! Downey: Pass it.
Downey: This is something that you ride for fun and exercize. Madonna: The gardener. Downey: No, no, no, it's inanimate... Madonna: The plumber. Downey: *sigh* This is something that you pedal! Madonna: Sleaze! Downey: Pass it!
Downey: Okay, this is something you'll find in the city. It can accomodate about 50 at a time. Madonna: Anna Nicole Smith. Downey: No, it's something you might take if you were travelling cross-country. Madonna: Extra batteries! Downey: No, no, when you're in London you might ride on a double decker... Madonna: Strap-on. Downey: Pass it!
Downey: Pass it!
Downey: Okay, they fly up in the air. Madonna: Feet. Downey: No, some are huge and carry massive loads. Madonna: Condoms. Downey: Listen: They are aer-o-dy-nam-ic. Madonna: Cu-cum-bers.

Osmond: Oh, times up. The category was "modes of transportation" and the ones you missed were all them.
Well, that leaves "Out For A Stroll" for Ann and Michael. Ann will give the clues to these things you might see as you take a walk around the block. Ready? Go!

stop sign
Coulter: Okay, this is something you'll find at a street corner. Moore: A drug dealer forced into a life of crime by gross inequities in the system. Coulter: No, it's one word and usually on a pole. Moore: Madonna? Coulter: No, it's THIS BIG and has eight sides. Moore: Dinner. Coulter: Pass.
Coulter: This is a type of flower. Moore: Semolina. Coulter: No, no, it smells sweet and is usually bought by the dozen. Moore: Doughnuts. Coulter: No, you'll likely see them on a bush. Moore: Hand-cuffs? Coulter: No, no, it's beautiful, but it's also thorny. Moore: The violent overthrow of the government. Coulter: Pass it!
Coulter: Okay, you'll see these up in the trees. Moore: Agents of the Ashcroft Justice Department. Coulter: No, they're little animals that run away in fear if you try to get near them. Moore: Stupid white men! Coulter: No, they scamper around collecting nuts all summer. Moore: The NRA. Coulter: Just pass it. Pass it...
ant colony
Coulter: This is a group of creatures that work as a collective unit. Moore: Enlightened people. Coulter: No, they work all day to impress the queen. Moore: Unenlightened British people? Coulter: No, no, how do I say's the entire organized society of little creatures that have no individual purpose, they just toil for the sake of the group. Moore: The worker's paradise!

Osmond: Well, we're still tied at zero, which means it's time for our tie-breaker round. Madonna, would you like card #1, or card #2?

Madonna: I'll take 2, Donny. And...see me after the show to find out what I mean 'cause, after the show; I plan on doing a little receiving.

Osmond: Uh, I'd be tempted except that I have no intention of joining you in hellfire eternal.

Madonna: *shrugs* Hmph, pick yer poison...

Osmond: Well, you picked #2, and that means that, for this tie-breaker round, you'll be giving the clues to Robert Downey Jr these words that begin with the letter H. Words that begin with the letter H. Ready? Go!

Madonna: Okay, after your wedding you had a... Downey: Hangover. Madonna: No, I mean you took your bride on a... Downey: Harley. Madonna: No, no, um...what's in the sky at night? Downey: Helicopters. Madonna: Pass!
Madonna: okay okay, this is something that - if it's bad - you might want to break. Downey: Hyperthermia? Madonna: No, when you do something without thinking about it it's a... Downey: Hiccup! Madonna: Ugh, in the morning a nun will put on her... Downey: Haines? Madonna: Pass it!
Madonna: Okay, this is on top of your head Downey: Halo. Madonna: You cut it when it's too long! Downey: Hemp! Madonna: Arrgh! I shave it off of my legs every day! Downey: Hives? Madonna: Pass it!!
Madonna: Grrr, this is something that I have right now! Downey: Herpes. Madonna: It's a pain you get from stress! Downey: Hernia. Madonna: No, it's annoying, usually mostly in the temples... Downey: Hypocrite? Madonna: Pass! PASS!!
Madonna: Okay, c'mon now! When someone gives you this you feel better! Downey: Heroin. Madonna: PASS!!!
Madonna: When you tell the truth you are... Downey: Hospitalized. Madonna: No, you blithering idiot! Someone who tells the whole truth is being... Downey: Harsh and tactless, you washed-up cow!

Osmond: Well, time's up and you didn't get any, I'm sorry.
Michael and Ann, you have #1, and who'll be giving and who'll be receiving?

Moore: I'm gonna give, Donny.

Osmond: Okay, you're going to give to Ann clues to these things that begin with the letter T. Things that begin with the letter T, ready? Go!

Moore: When you go from one place to another you... Coulter: Tranquilize. Moore: No, no, when you take a trip you.. Coulter: Tumble? Moore: If I - let's say - wanted to go to from my house to your house then I would they have to... Coulter: Tresspass! Moore: Pass.
Moore: okay, this is something you'd dunk in hot water. Coulter: Traitors. Moore: No, no, what's a drink that you might drink with lemon? Coulter: Tequila? Moore: Ugh, there's the phrase "Packs the wallop of a wet..." Coulter: Teamster! Moore: Pass!
Moore: Okay, okay, here we go! When I speak to someone I am engaging in... Coulter: Treason. Moore: No! When you speak you... Coulter: Tingle! Moore: *sigh* Pass!!!
Moore: Another word for "frog"! Coulter: Tyrant! Moore: PASS!!!!
Moore: Someone who supports getting rid of all tariffs on imports is a "free-......" Coulter: Traitor!

Osmond: Wow, you did it!! And that means that you won the game and are going to the Pyramid! Yay!!

Okay, you have 60 seconds to get to the top of the pyramid, you know the rules, blah blah blah. Ann, you'll give nothing more than a list, no hands allowed. Ready? Go!

Things In A Lady's Purse

Coulter: A gun... money...
Moore: Things that are the root of all evil.
Coulter: National Review... the Constitution...
Moore: Things that oppress the masses.
Coulter: a tape recorder... another gun...
Moore: Things that can destroy a presidency.
Coulter: Pass it!

Coulter: Ewe...
Moore: Academy Award winners.
Coulter: ABBA...
Moore: Successful artists, successful entertainers...
Coulter: uh, um, radar...
Moore: Uh, highly complicated things...sophisticated things...
Coulter: uh...racecar...
Moore: High performance, impressive, well-tuned...
Coulter: Pass it.
Things a War Protester Might Say

Coulter: Uh, "I'm an America-hater"..."Why am I so clueless?"...
Moore: Things Trent Lott would say.
Coulter: "I should bathe more often"..."I don't know how to change a tire"..."My failure is your fault."
Moore: Things Roger Smith would say.
Coulter: "I really gotta move out of my parents' basement"..."Christ I'm useless"..
Moore: Entries in your diary...I dunno....
Coulter: Pass it!
Payroll Statistics of General Motors

Coulter: Pass!
Parts of an M-60 Machine Gun

Coulter: The buffer, the spring guide, the cover assembly, the piston, the bolt lever, the elevated sight, the...
Moore: Pass!
Academy Award Winners

Coulter: You.
Moore: Academy Award winners.

Osmond: Just in time! You just won $20!!

Moore: Can I go now?

Osmond: Please do. And that's our show for today, folks, but Ann and I would just like to say: [cue music]

Donny: May tomorrow be a perfect day
Ann: May you find love and laughter along the way
Donny: May God keep you in his tender care
Ann: 'til He brings us together again

Donny & Ann: G'night everybody!

Posted by Tuning Spork at September 9, 2003 10:48 PM

:-) Tequila.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 9, 2003 11:33 PM


Posted by: Cherry at September 10, 2003 12:23 AM

That was better than any of the real shows!

Posted by: Susie at September 10, 2003 03:25 AM

ROFLMAO Now I'm going to go back up and read the second half.

Posted by: Ted at September 10, 2003 10:04 AM

The new stuff is very funny.

Posted by: Jennifer at September 10, 2003 09:49 PM

You could give Rob Long (National Review's humorist) a run for his money. Great stuff.

Posted by: Freedom's Slave at September 10, 2003 09:51 PM

Great job! Nice revisions too.

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