September 08, 2003

Fun With Factually Factitious Facts

This was hastily put together, so it might suck. But hey, whaddaya want for nuttin'...?

Russert: Welcome back to Meet The Press, I'm Tim Russert, and joining me now here in the studio is out-going California governor Grey Davis. Governor Davis...

Davis: "Out-going?"

Russert: What?

Davis: You just called me the "out-going" governor of California, Tim. The recall election isn't until October 7th, and I will prevail.

Russert: *hmch* Wake up. Besides, how do you know I wasn't calling you extroverted and jolly?

Davis: Oh! Was that what you meant?

Russert: No, but let's move on. You made waves this weekend by saying that no one should be the governor of California unless they can pronounce the name of the State. It was an obvious reference to Arnold Schwartzenegger's accent. Governor Davis, are you bigoted against immigrants with accents?

Davis: Of course not, Tim. I just signed the law that allows illegal immigrants to get a driver's license. Would I have done that if I didn't want what's best for me?

Russert: Uh...

Davis: The Republican conspirators are going to come at me with any rediculous fact they can dig up; but I am not going to just roll over like a drunken Irishman. I'm going to fight back with everything I've got.

Russert: On the driver's license issue; former Senator Robert Dole has weighed in, and let me put this up on the screen for our audience. Dole said:

"Giving driver's licenses to criminals is ludicrous and Bob Dole is against it. This is a cynical attempt to get Hispanic votes, and Bob Dole thinks that Governor Davis is a wussy. And dull. And his head's too big for his body. And, heavens to betsy, have you heard this guy speak? He sounds like Al Gore on estrogen. Bob Dole could beat this guy with Bob Dole's good arm tied behind Bob Dole's back."

Is this measure simply a cynical attempt to win over Hispanic voters?

Davis: Of course not, and I've got yet another way to do it.
As you can imagine, the maintenance and security of the bridges in our State is neccessary, but expensive. We've set up a new Department that is hiring wetbacks -- who work alot more cheaply than them Teamsters -- to keep our bridges safe, secure and well-maintained. Any illegals who are interested in working to keep the bridges in sparkling tip-top shape can go to the department's website at www.spic& I think it's going to be good for California.

Russert: I want to put another quote on the screen. This is from Jesse Jackson, a supporter of yours in the fight against the recall. Last week the Reverend Jackson said:

"On question 1, Davis could get 49% and lose. On question 2, someone else could get 29% and win. Democracy is replaced with Atrocity. Grey beat every contenda' but the right wing adjenda. The people have lost! How much did it cost?! The people have lost! How much did it cost?! The people have..."

Governor Davis, in Reverend Jackson's hypothetical example the biggest winner, with 51%, was "yes" on the recall. Could the per centage of the vote achieved by the winner on question 2 make the recall "undemocratic"?

Davis: Of course, Tim. The size of the field, and there are over 130 candidates on the ballot, could mean that the winner gets less votes than I do on question 1. If there were only two people on question 2, then that would mean that the winner would beat me, fair and square. So, you see, the problem is that; the greater the number of candidates on the ballot, the more Democracy is undermined. Taking that fact to it's logical conclusion; the truest Democracy would have only one candidate on the ballot.

Russert: Because only 100% approval would represent the true will of all the people?

Davis: Precisely. Furthermore; this process undermines the Democracy that's already occurred. The recall effort was begun as soon as I won re-election. Why should I have to answer to the people again so soon? Why should I have to answer to the people ever again?! I mean, I won the election, now can't we be done with elections already?!

Russert: Okay, there's just one more quote I'd like put up and have you to respond to before I kick you off the show. This is from Arnold Schwartzenegger, and I quote:

"Gove'neh Davis dt'inks he can beat de rwecaull. So, to him I have just one weurd: pack your bags."

Governor Davis?

Davis: He sure talks funny, eh?

Russert: That's all the time we have. My thanks to former governor Grey Davis...

Davis: Hey!

Russert: ...and, remember: if it's Sunday, it's Meet The Press.

Posted by Tuning Spork at September 8, 2003 09:01 PM

www.spic&! Very nice!

Posted by: Mr Green at September 8, 2003 10:57 PM

ROFL You're on a roll!

Posted by: Ted at September 9, 2003 09:52 AM

I really needed a good laugh today. Thanks

Posted by: azygos at September 9, 2003 02:28 PM

Mr. Davis is not even gracious enough to accept the fact that his days as governor of California are numbered!!

Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger at September 9, 2003 07:56 PM

LOL! Bob, I think you've found your calling!

Posted by: Susie at September 10, 2003 03:28 AM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

Site Meter