BLATHER REVIEW

One fine evening in America

Lehrer: Welcome to the 142nd Democratic candidate's debate. I'm Jim Lehrer.
Joining us on our stage are five Democrats seeking their party's nomination. Why only five? We, here at PBS, have decided that Al Sharpton, Dennis Kusinich, John Edwards and Carol Mosley-Braun have been wasting our time. Originally we were going to invite them and ignore them; but, in the end, we decided that it'd be better for all concerned if we gave them a night off to meditate on just what delusions they are clearly operating under.

On our stage, from left to right, are Missouri congressman Dick Gephardt; United States Senator from the State of Connecticut Joe Leiberman; former Vermont Governor Howard Dean; retired General Wesley Clark; and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry; and...Well, now wait a minute. We have a sixth candidate up there...

Hillary Clinton: Hi, Jim.

Lehrer: Senator Clinton, you're not an announced candidate for President.

Clinton: That's true. But I refuse to rule anything out, Jim. That would be completely irresponsible of me.

Lehrer: Of course, all right. The first question comes from our guest panelist, Rush Limbaugh, and is for Governor Howard Dean. Rush?

Limbaugh: Governor Dean, You've repeatedly referred to yourself as a "centrist." Please explain the logic underlying that self-assessment.

Dean: Well, unlike every other candidate on this stage, and 70% of the American people, I believe that the war in Iraq is immoral and that we ought to cut and run and let the Ba'athists see if they can re-take their leadership. I believe that the way to stimulate economic recovery is to raise taxes. I believe that Americans should be forced to join labor unions. I believe that wild theories about the President being tipped off to the events of 9/11 by the Saudis are the most interesting. I think that these are -- clearly -- centrist positions. Don't you, Rush?

Limbaugh: What? I'm sorry, I have a vicatin-induced hearing loss. Were you talking to me?

Dean: I said that I think you should get used to submissive positions; don't you, Rush?

Lehrer: Senator Fudd..er... Leiberman; would you like to respond?

Leiberman: I'd just like to call on my colleagues to be honest and admit that we don't have a Chinaman's chance of winning this election. Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!

Lehrer: Thank you, Senator. Our next question is for Senator John Kerry, and it comes from panelist Molly Ivins. Molly?

Ivins: Senator Kerry, You were tauted early on as "the man to beat." Seeing as how you've not found any traction on the muddy road to victory, as well as the fact that you seem to resemble a musty artifact that might be spotted in a third-rate taxedermist's display window: when are you going to swallow your pride, bow out and let Governor Dean coast to the nomination?

Kerry: Having served in Vietnam, I believe that I have the foreign policy experience neccessary to govern that Governor Dean does not. To leave the race now would be to fuck up the future of the Democratic Party an' shit. I will not shirk my goddamn responsibility to my country for the sake of this bastard's poll numbers. I have some fucking dignity, y'know.

Lehrer: General Clark, do you have a response?

Clark: I've been fired from more wars than John Kerry has fought in, and my own plan to win the nomination is based on some very intriguing rumors I overheard in a bar by some truck drivers who were discussing Newsweek's covert intelligence operations in Sri Lanka.

Lehrer: And what is that plan?

Clark: It's a secret plan that I have.

Lehrer: Uh...

Clark: Don't question my patriotism like that, Jim.

Lehrer: Well, I wasn't...

Clark: How dare you sit there on your freedom-of-the-press-lovin' ass and accuse me of being unpatriotic! I have served my country in uniform for most of my adult life and I will not stand here and allow some lefty..er... right-wing shill to question my party loyalty!!

Lehrer: The final question for this evening is for Dick Gephardt, and comes from panelist Jonathan Alter. Jonathan?

Alter: Congressman Gephardt, What is your favorite song?

Gephardt: Well, I have to say that I've always been partial to "Dick Has To Win In Iowa (Or His White House Dream Is Dead)."

Alter: There's no such song.

Gephardt: I wrote it last night.

Lehrer: Time for closing statements. I say, it's time for closing... It's... What's that damn shrieking noise?

Clinton: Hel-lo-o-o-o-o!!

Lehrer: Good God, Hillary, would you just get out of our lives?!
The candidates will now give a closing argument as to why they deserve your vote -- in a word or less -- beginning from the left and moving left. Congressman Gephardt?

Gephardt: This satirical take on a Democratic candidates' debate has been a miserable failure. A mis-er-a-ble failure!

Leiberman: Four more years!

Dean: The South will rise again!

Clark: Who the hell am I?!

Kerry: Fuck. I mean... VIETNAM!! shit...

Lehrer: Thank you for joining us. Good luck, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Posted by Tuning Spork at December 7, 2003 08:59 PM