December 14, 2003

One Fine Day in Iraq

Khrazi al-Jebra: Saddam, Life in Baghdad is returning to normal. The lights are on; the water is running crisp and clear out of the taps. The shops are open; traffic is smooth; children are playing. Life, for your people, is getting better all the time.

Saddam: Damn! My fedeyeen need to be inspired once again to destroy the resolve of the invaders. I need to release another recording. Fetch me the Panasonic.

al-Jebra: But, Saddam, the batteries in that tape recorder ran out last week while you were listening to the Dixie Chicks. Remember?

Saddam: Oh, right. Khrazi, my loyal aide...

al-Jebra: Yes, Saddam?

Saddam: You must go out and find me some batteries. There is a house only about four hours walk from here where there lives a man who has asome batteries, or at least a wall outlet adapter. If he will not hand them over willingly, tell him they are for me.

al-Jebra: Shall I kill him afterward?

Saddam: Might as well. Please hurry, I'd like to get a message out by morning.

al-Jebra: Yes, Saddam. Victory! (Khrazi al-Jebra leaves)

Saddam paces the room for a while until he finds the Panasonic tape recorder. He picks up the recorder, stares at it a moment, and heads for a tiny hole in the ground.
Climbing into the 4 x5 cell he sits and presses thr Record button. The wheels don't turn, and there is no tape in the machine.

Saddam: (into the Panasonic) My fellow Iraqis. A terrible plaque has descended upon our great Land. Yes: Our way of life -- the way that we have known for nearly 40 years -- is in danger of being swept aside from forces from without. But, the danger now is also from within.
While the infidels attempt to purchase your obedience with material prosperity, they will fail because the Iraqi people understand that physical health, personal happiness, freedom and clean food and water are the Devil's work. The only road to salvation is to reject the temptations of our own well-being, and the well-being of our families and countrymen.
I, Saddam, command you once again to fight to your glorious martyrdom to defeat the enemy by defeating his will to fight. We must expel the invaders from our beloved country by giving up of ourselves, our fortunes and our lives. I am Saddam, and I am Iraq. Never forget that the fight for your country is always a fight to the death. To lose the fight and live to tell about it is a disgrace that will....

a voice from outside: Hey! You in there! Are you Saddam?!

Saddam: Uh... no...?

voice: Bullshit! I know you're in there, I heard you talking into that tape recorder! Sgt Krucutt, U.S. Marines! Come on out, Saddam... Or do you want a fight to the death?!

Saddam: (stroking the handle of the pistol that hangs on his hip) Do you have any batteries?

Krucutt: Uh, yeah. I think we got some batteries in the truck! What do need, a couple of Ds?

Saddam: No, I need four Cs!

Krucutt: (to his men): We got some C batteries with us?

Cpl Hunter: Yeah, I got some in my flashlight...

Krucutt: Yeah, Saddam, we got some batteries for ya! Now, come on out before we drop a Daisycutter in there!

Saddam: Okay! Okay! I'm throwing out my gun! (He tosses out his pistol and crawls out of the hole on his knees with his hands in the air) I don't want any trouble!

Krucutt: Good God, stand up, man! (he stands up) What's the matter, lost you nerve? What happened to "Never forget that the fight for your country is always a fight to the death"?

Saddam: I never saw the fight to liberate Iraq as being fought to MY death.

Krucutt: You will. Here are your damn batteries.

Saddam: Yay!!

Posted by Tuning Spork at December 14, 2003 11:11 PM


Posted by: Ted at December 15, 2003 07:58 AM

LOL! Forget what the New York Times or Washington Post may have written about the capture of Saddam - this should be the OFFICIAL VERSION.

Posted by: Bloodthirsty Warmonger at December 16, 2003 02:17 AM
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