March 31, 2004

I Got Nothin'

Well, I thought I might have a song parody ready for tonight, but I don't. So I'll just post a list written by somebody named "Marty" to some joke site that I can't recall the name of...

Top Ten Times in history when using the "f" word was appropriate:

1) "What the f**k was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima

2) "Where did all these f**king Indians come from?" - Custer

3) "Any f**king idiot could understand that." - Einstein

4) "It does SO f**king look like her!" - Picasso

6) "How the f**k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras

5) "You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling?" - Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna f**king rain." - Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered f**king showers... my ass!" - Noah

2) "I need this parade like I need a f**king hole in my head!" - J.F.K.

And the number one most appropriate reason to use the "f" word....

1) "Who the f**k is going to know?" - Bill Clinton

Contributed by: Marty

Obviously, it's a bit dated... but still worth a chuckle, I think! :)

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:14 PM | Comments (2)

March 29, 2004

I'm ba-a-a-a-ack!

A B C D E F G,
Q R S, T U V,
W X, Y and Z,
I can type my ABCs,
"Disco Duck" was by Rick Dees.

A B C D E F G,
Just the women!
Now the men!
Q R S, T U V,
In Russian!
B c X, I-O c 3,
Big finish!
Spork can type his ABCs,
let's all eat a plate of cheese.

Actually, I've had the keyboard since last week, but it's been a horror trying to locate a PS2 -> AT adapter for it. CompUSA didn't have one, neither did PCW Computer. RadioShack was a bust, likewise for Circuit City. Computer Renaissance didn't even have one! So, where did I finally find one? Staples!!!
I immediately thought of their slogan, "Yeah, we got that," and I think I'll send off a nice complimentary email to the good folks at Staples. :)

Now, if only I can remember how to blog...

Posted by Tuning Spork at 07:42 PM | Comments (4)

March 28, 2004



I_got_&_P$2_Cey6o&r9_ _&#_&T_touuer,,,

Posted by Tuning Spork at 02:16 PM | Comments (2)

March 22, 2004







Posted by Tuning Spork at 11:07 PM | Comments (6)

March 17, 2004


I've been singing this John Lennon lyric in my head for a week now (it doesn't have as many links as I want it to.. oh welp):

I’m sick and tired of hearing things from uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocritics
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth
I’ve had enough of reading things by neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky Dicky's gonna Mother Hubbard soft soap me with just a pocketful of hope
Money for dope
Money for rope

I’m sick to death of seeing things from tight-lipped, condescending, mama’s little chauvinists
All I want is the truth
Just gimme some truth now

I’ve had enough of watching scenes of schizophrenic, ego-centric, paranoid prima-donnas
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth

No short-haired, yellow-bellied, son of tricky Dicky's gonna Mother Hubbard soft soap me with just a pocketful of soap
It’s money for dope
Money for rope

I’m sick and tired of hearing things from uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth now

I’ve had enough of reading things by neurotic, psychotic, pig-headed politicians
All I want is the truth now
Just gimme some truth now

All I want is the truth now!
Just gimme some truth now!
All I want is the truth!!
Just gimme some truth!!
All I want is the truth!!!
Just gimme the truth!!!!

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:29 PM | Comments (0)

March 16, 2004

Mm, do I smell buttermilk...?

I've never criticized Racheal Corrie before because:, even though I think that she was naive and misguided in her pursuit of peace-without-strength, she died unwittingly.
She thought that willfully putting herself in harm's way -- she was an American and with an American's understanding of things -- might just well be the ticket to success. Wrong.

Crappy Aniversary, Racheal.

With all due lament, and earned disdain, and in all good fun (to the tune of Simon & Garfunkel's "Richard Cory") Racheal Corrie:

Oh, they say that Racheal Corrie knows one half of this whole town
a political protester; she's spread herself around
She's traveled to so many trouble spots where Peace needs to be won
She really must be proud of everything she's done and done...

But, I work in this factory
And I curse this life I'm living,
I curse my luxury
and I wish that I could be, yes, I wish that I could be
Oh, I wished that I could be
Racheal Corrie.

She had so long to travel, but had so much to give
where every racist killer has every right to live
Some said she didn't see the obvious -
the irony on it's face -
that she trusted her own innocence
to keep her safe...

Her heart was full ofcharity
and a quite uncommon zeal!!
Courageous and observant!
A super human shield!!

So, why were we struck that morning
when the AP wire said:
"Racheal Corrie sat down last night
and watched a bulldozer clear her head."

And, I,
I work in this factory
and I curse this life I'm living,
and my security,
and I wished that I could be
and I still can't beliieve
that I wished to beeeee...
Racheal Corrie...

Posted by Tuning Spork at 12:33 AM | Comments (2)

March 14, 2004

Spain wusses out of the Coalition of the Willing

Forgive me if I'm pissed.

Jose Aznar's defeat in yesterday's election can only embolden al-Qaeda. "Look what we've done!" they'll marvel. "Just a few days before the election we bombed a train and killed 200 people and they oust the government that opposes us!"

So, are we to be concilitory sheep and live in a world were brute terror rules; or will we respond to terrorism like brave and civilized men and women? Spain has made their choice.

Shall 3/11 live forever as a date that will live in infamy? Freedom itself is being attacked. Will freedom be defended? No. Spain has opted to cower to the threat of murderous tyrants.

Maybe it's their mandatory 35 hour workweek. Maybe it's the 8 weeks of paid vacation each of 'em are guaranteed each year. I dunno. But, something tells me that Europe is too distracted by getting even more soft and comfy leisure time to be mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with the reality outside.

228 years ago America gave the world a Republic. What has Europe given us in the past 100 years? Hitler. Stalin. Musselini. Melosovic. Ceausescu. Franco.
Maybe the very love of Liberty is something essentially alien to Europeans -- something they're afraid of just because it demands them to have a voice in their government. You tell me.

On 9/11 3000 innocent men, women and children who were simply going about their daily business were murdered and America decided that it was time to kick some terrorist ass. On 3/11 200 innocent men, women and children who were going about their daily business were murdered and Spain has decided to punish the government that tries to stop it.
Sometimes I wonder if Europe was ever worth saving from it's mistakes: it seems ready and willing to make the same ones over and over.
I am ashamed for our Spanish cousins today.

Sic semper tyranus.

UPDATE: Emporer Misha ! has a pithy yet clueful post, as usual... and links to a few others.

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:26 PM | Comments (5)

March 13, 2004

I thought the election was in November...

These presidential election campaigns just get longer and longer. Remember when RFK didn't get into the 1968 Democratic race until the California primary in frickin' June? Remember when Jerry Ford finally won the 1976 Republican nomination at the convention? Or when Ted Kennedy took his challenge to Jimmy Carter to the final day of the 1980 convention?

Aside from an unsuccessful semi-insurgency by John McCain -- and an even less effective one by Bill Bradley -- George W. Bush and Al Gore were the annointed "inevitable" nominees in the 2000 primaries. I remember that the dogdays of the campaign left voters wondering "how the hell did we end up with THESE two...?" In fact, I remember well, following the Vice Presidential debate between Dick Cheney and Joe Leiberman voters were wondering why they couldn't have THOSE two at the top of the tickets.

It was Ron Brown's brilliant idea - in 1992 - to get the Democrats to choose a nominee as early as possible and unite behind him. Why? Because he didn't want Jerry Brown (in whose campaign I was an eager volunteer [we won Connecticut, woo hoo!]), or any other Democrat, to damage Bill Clinton.
Ever since 1992 there's been a belief by the Democrats that uniting behind one candidate as early as possible will help that candidate win in November. When Howeird Dean began to inspire a grassroots insurgency that threatened the annointed "inevitable" nominee, John Kerry, the machine came down hard on Dean.
Now the Democratic rank and file have Kerry as their nominee, and now they're learning who they obediently nominated.

But, that's another story. Back to the long campaign:

Kerry now says that he wants to have monthly debates with Bush beginning in the spring. (Drudge linked to this article.) The Democrats began the 2004 election cycle as soon as the 2002 mid-terms were lost. Most of the candidates have been actively campaigning for a year now. So, for wanting to start the debates immediately, I have this to say to Senator Kerry:

Shut up and do your job! Crikey, neither you nor Bush have even been nominated yet. The conventions aren't until August! Bush is running ads this early only because YOU have been in unending campaign mode since Ho Chi Minh City was still named Saigon.
You've cast about 3 votes -- and missed 22 of 22 roll calls -- in the Senate while you were busy campaigning and mortgaging Teresa's your houses.
President Bush is a busy man and wont be focused on debating You until the fall -- which is when the debates are supposed to be held. What do you think you are, some kinda shadow President? Is your presumptive nomination of the Democratic Party deluding you into thinking that the President of the United States has as much time to waste on partisan mudslinging as you think you do?
You know all those paychecks you've been receiving from the taxpayers? How about showing up in the Senate and earning one of them for a change? You've got absolutely nothing to do until the convention, so, John, please just lay low, earn your pay, and we'll see you after Labor Day y' caviar eatin' whining slacker bastard.

Posted by Tuning Spork at 06:11 PM | Comments (1)

March 11, 2004

jus' lookin' over my worktime notes...

Welp, it's later than I thought it was and I'm about to go blog-surfing and may not be back to post a new entry tonight. So, I figured I'd just post this little scribble that I jotted down at work this afternoon:

freedom is choice
to claim that you can blame someone else for your choices is the same as saying that your choices come from someone else

Sounds like I had a rant about trial lawyers and Democrats a-brewin'., eh?! Discuss...(or not)...

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:22 PM | Comments (1)

March 10, 2004

FoxNEWSworthy: You might be a Pinko if...

I got nothin'.
I had a great idea for a post but I'm drawing blanks. So, let's try something new!

I cordially invite all of you to compose a single sentence. The only stipulation is that it ends with the words: you might be a Pinko!
Something along the lines of:
If you honestly believe that offering a man only what he needs
will inspire him to produce according to his ability: you might be a Pinko.

Have fun and lemme hear from ya!!! C'mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-n...! Let the comments be the post!

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:42 PM | Comments (11)

March 09, 2004

Just a couple of random thoughts before I go make dinner

I don't know why I remembered this this afternoon, but, the best scene in Psycho II was the final scene. Mrs. Spool tells Norman that she's his real mother as he gives her a cup of tea and *POW* clocks her on the back of the head with a shovel, stuffs her (presumed) and sets her in the bedroom window.
I didn't see the shovel smackdown coming, and I think that was the first and only time I actually laughed out loud at a murder scene.

If you own a deli, and I walk in one morning and order a toasted bagel with cream cheese, don't do any of these things:
Don't grab a bagel from your freezer;
don't thaw said frozen bagel in your microwave;
don't smoosh down the thawed bagel in order to fit it into your standard bread toaster because you don't have a proper bagel toaster;
don't hock off a 1/2-inch square from a cream cheese log (that looks like a Velveeta log - only white);
don't wrap the thick-as-chilled-Play-Do-stuffed lukewarm doughy bricks (or any hot or warm breads) in aluminum foil!!!
Do something else. Thank you. :)

Given my squirrels-in-the-attic problem, I searched Google to see where I could find some fox urine. Since there are people who study Google searches, for various reasons, I wonder if fox urine Connecticut might someday make someone's list of "least effective porn searches".

And, finally: Homemade bread rules! I made a loaf of saffron & fennel wheat bread that was awesome on Sunday. Mmmmm, bread...

I go make dinner now!

Posted by Tuning Spork at 07:37 PM | Comments (2)

March 08, 2004

Denbeste on Kerry

Stephen Den Beste has an excellent examination of John Kerry's TIME interview HERE. While I wholeheartedly concur with most of his treatise (especially about the whole "global consent" thang), I want to chime in about one or two points.


TIME: Obviously it's good that Saddam is out of power. Was bringing him down worth the cost?
KERRY: If there are no weapons of mass destruction— and we may yet find some—then this is a war that was fought on false pretenses, because that was the justification to the American people, to the Congress, to the world, and that was clearly the frame of my vote of consent. I said it as clearly as you can in my speech. I suggested that all the evils of Saddam Hussein alone were not a cause to go to war.

denbeste: Man, the anti-war leftist buzzword count in all that is nearly off scale. You got your "rush to war", your "last resort", "scorn of the world", the "flawed intelligence"...

TIME: So, if we don't find WMD, the war wasn't worth the costs? That's a yes?
KERRY: No, I think you can still—wait, no. You can't—that's not a fair question, and I'll tell you why. You can wind up successful in transforming Iraq and changing the dynamics, and that may make it worth it, but that doesn't mean [transforming Iraq] was the cause [that provided the] legitimacy to go. You have to have that distinction.

denbeste: It is like hell not a fair question. It is the key question, because WMDs were never the primary reason for the invasion. "Transforming Iraq and changing the dynamics" was always the primary reason for going in.

I'd say that strategically, yes, transforming Iraq and changing the dynamics of the middle east was the primary reason for toppling Saddam and installing a republic. That's a long-term and visionary goal and was mentioned many times during the months leading up to the war.
But, the primary reason given -- because it was the primary justification -- was to enforce U.N. resolutions requiring Saddam's disarmament of WMD. Colin Powell didn't go to the U.N. to argue that introducing democracy to the middle east would be a big step toward upsetting the chokehold of Islamofascists on the people of the region, but, to win approval for an invasion on the grounds that Saddam was close to having deadly bio/chem-WMD that he'd sell, or give, to terrorists.

denbeste: Kerry says, "if we had kept on inspecting properly and gone through the process appropriately, we might have avoided almost a $200 billion expenditure, the loss of lives and the scorn of the world and the breaking of so many relationships." But we would also have lost that opportunity to "change the dynamics".
Kerry seems excessively concerned with "legitimacy" and "alliances".

Kerry is all over the map in this interview. At moments he seems to be saying that the action was perfectly legitimate, but, only if the U.N. or NATO had carried it out. But, of course, Kerry voted to authorize the "unilateral" action.
At other times he seems to be championing the Nixon Doctrine; that the U.S. would send it's troops to fight only when American interests are directly threatened. (This was a direct result of Richard Nixon's assessment of the failure of the Vietnam debacle.)
But, Kerry, later in the interview, wants to defend his record on supporting military action by pointing out his vote to intervene in Kosovo. Bill Clinton actually boasted that the mission in Kosovo was so selfless because there was no national interest at stake; it was purely humanitarian mission.

And, in the above quote, Kerry seems only concerned with the "procedure"; that everything would have been honky dory if only we'd waited for the U.N. inspectors to prove the negative that Iraq had no WMD anywhere before we moved in "unilaterally." That, of course, would never have removed Saddam -- a tyrant more murderous and sadistic than Melosovic who Kerry voted to smack down.

Judging by my reading of John Kerry's TIME interview, Stephen Den Beste's conclusions about him seems dead on: that he seems equivocating and carefully choosing his words to offend the least amount of witnesses; that he's less of a philosopher than an opportunist; and that the one thing he knows for sure above all else is that he wants to be the next President of the United States..

Thanks to Hold The Mayo for pointing out the post at USS Clueless. I really gotta remember to lookover my toolbelt more often!

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)

March 07, 2004

John F'n Kerry

I don't know how to do a screen shot, but THIS is a link to a search on (Kerry's official site) that shows the results of a search for the word "f**k".
Thanks to Drudge for the heads up!

1. :: John Kerry for President - John Kerry's Desperate Hours :: ••
Rolling Stone Article: John Kerry's Desperate Hours
...the left and say, "I'm against everything"? Sure. Did I expect George Bush to fuck it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did. Do you see...
51% Fri, 05 Mar 2004 16:20:22 GMT

2. :: John Kerry for President - John Kerry ready for his close-up :: ••
GET KERRY EMAIL GET INFORMED About John About Teresa On the Issues Press Room Endorseme...
...You might even hear powerful people say in closed-door meetings that Bush fucked up Afghanistan. Of course, you hear a lot of things in Washington, but...
50% Fri, 05 Mar 2004 16:18:38 GMT

3. :: John Kerry for President - A Lighter Side of John Kerry :: ••
GET KERRY EMAIL GET INFORMED About John About Teresa On the Issues Press Room Endorseme...
...bigger car?" Kerry shoots back, "No, but I have thought about cutting all your fucking legs off at the knees." Then he waves a hand at the green world...
50% Fri, 05 Mar 2004 16:18:39 GMT

4. :: John Kerry for President - Golden Boy :: ••
John F. Kerry seems like the Democratic Party's dream candidate. He has the bio and the stature.
...Nothing. Fifteen minutes, still nothing. The crowd grumbles. Where the fuck is he? Is this worth it? A handful leave, but far more join. Then there is...
50% Fri, 05 Mar 2004 16:18:49 GMT
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Campaign spokesmen have promised that the candidate's words will soon be expunged from his website.

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:34 PM | Comments (6)

March 05, 2004

Lunch With Stephen

So, anyway, I walked into GUSTO: the Fine Art of Italian Living at about 11:50am for my scheduled noon luncheon with Stephen Macklin of Hold The Mayo. Having suddenly realized that Stephen and I hadn't prepared a way to recognize each otherI said to the hat check girl (is the term "hat check girl" still allowed these days? I mean, since they don't actually check yer hat anymore but simply walk you to a table?):
"I'm meeting someone I've never met before and his name is Stephen Macklin. So, if some guy comes in alone ask him if he's 'looking for Tuning Spork' and if he says 'Yes' then lead him to wherever I'm sitting."

"Uh," she smiled nervously, "Okay..."

My worst nightmare was that he'd be some high-strung, high maintenance personality that would have me on edge just trying to keep pace with his barrage of ideological incessentness. But, as it turned out, he was exactly what I expected -- a very intelligent, down to earth and welcoming fella. Almost immediately we were just two easygoing guys having lunch and asking each other a slew of challenging questions.

OH! That reminds me: the trivia questions!

Ted asked 7 questions; Stephen correctly answered 5 of 'em.
He knew that Nathaniel Herreschoff had designed 5 winning boats;
that the USA, Australia, New Zealand had successfully defended the America's Cup -- though England and Switzerland had yet to. (What's the deal with land-locked Switzerland and yachting? Isn't that on an odd par with the Jamiacan Bobsled Team?);
that the Orcs originated from the Elves;
that white was the color of the handprint on the faces of the Uruk-hai;
that saffron is the most expensive spice.

He did NOT know that vanilla is the 2nd most expensive spice, or that Saruman and Gollum had never met.

LeeAnn stumped Stephen on all 4 of her questions. 0 for 4! (LeeAnn, you're a tough room!)
He did NOT know that fortune cookies were invented in San Francisco in 1916;
that it takes 10 days to make a jellybean;
that the first America's Cup challenge was held in 1851, or;
that Gary Cooper played the male lead in the motion picture adaption of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead.

Annika asked 10 questions of Stephen (but only 5 of me... she apparantly missed the rule about submitting an equal number of questions to each of us, but, that's okay: she'll always be cool 'cause we love 'er!).
Stephen scored 5 of 10.
He knew that pressing ctrl + eject will present a SHUT DOWN button;
that UNIX was a system that Mac OS X was based on;
that Gandalf said "Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give that to them?";
that "Dominique Francon" was the name of Roark's love interest in The Fountainhead", and;
that Ellsworth Toohey was the architectural critic for The Banner.

He did NOT recall that Jim Rome's nickname for Dennis Connor is Leatherface;
that the asymetric spinnaker used in light breexes while sailing downwind (and first used in the America's Cup in 1983 on the Australia II) is called a "gennaker";
that "Such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world. Small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere" was spoken by Elrond;
that two synonyms (in English parlance-Ed.)> for "chick peas" are Garbanzo beans and Ceci beans, or;
that Fugu (or: Blowfish) is the fish that they eat in Japan that contains a deadly poison and may only be prepared by a cook with a special license.

Jennifer sent 5 questions and Stephen got 2 1/2 of 'em. Huh? Yeah....! (We can do that.)
He knew that the hatch under the bow is called the Sewer;
that Auld Mug is the nickname of the America's Cup;
and that cows are half of the answer to "What animals have been used in the production of mozzerella?"
He did NOT know that Water Buffalo milk was originally used for mozzerella;
that the pizzaria came to the U.S. via Frank Pepe in 1925 (and, 'round h'yar, we still call it "apizza" [pronounced: ah-'beets), or;
that Speed & Smarts is the name of David Dellenbaugh's racing newsletter even though Stephen was a subscriber several years back. Yikes! I call for leniency on the grounds of shock-induced brain-lock.. If y'can't remember what y'paid for then yer prob'ly thinkin' too hard!

Susie asked 1 question: How many dwarves left Bag-End with Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins on the journey to fight Smaug?"
Stephen guesstimated 7. But, according to Susie, it was 13.

Victor and Christopher asked questions that, mainly, did not have any supplied answers. I'm going to address them in a seperate post at some point over the weekend (yeah, right!). Hey, it's late and I'm tired!

Mucho Gratuities to all of yous who took the time to supply Stephen and I with a starting point to a meeting between two strangers who didn't know if they had anything in common other than being fellow Munuvians. If you're all as open and welcoming as Stephen then we seriously need to get together for the First Annual Munuvian Luau From Hell!!!

Posted by Tuning Spork at 11:14 PM | Comments (2)

March 04, 2004

Allow Me To Present...

...the world's shortest poem:


had 'em.


Posted by Tuning Spork at 08:37 PM | Comments (3)

March 03, 2004

HEY! These Questions Aren't Gonna Ask Themselves!!!

Hear ye! Hear ye! You have 24 hours to submit trivia questions to Stephen Macklin and Tuning Spork in their 5 chosen fields of "expertise"!

We have a grand total of 6 (six) questions so far; 5 from Ted and 1 from Susie.
Let's get with it, People! We've got to have some super-salient Munuvian input hyar! !

Oh...Ted's promising the non-innocent version of JenLars' boobage!! (Ask him about it, not me. I got the innocent version when I was merely her frickin' fiance...)

Posted by Tuning Spork at 09:47 PM | Comments (4)

March 01, 2004

"You my-y... brown-eyed squirrel..."

So, anyway, I woke up at 4:00am this morning to the sound of squirrels manicly running back and forth in the crawlspace above my bedroom. They'd scamper the entire length of the house a few times then rest, sit and coo at each other for a few seconds, then run around like crazy again.

They'd been up there since Chris and I moved in nearly two years ago. Our landlady doesn't seem to want to pay somebody to get rid of them -- she'd rather have us do it. Long story short: I-I-I-I'm not climbing up into that feces infested chamber of death...

So, at about 8:00 I was in the bathroom -- just after my shower -- and the squirrels were going nuts again.
Hold a piece of corrigated cardboard over your head and pound it rapidly with your fingertips; try to make it sound like a downpour. That's what it was like. The sound of clawed, maniacal rats with blowdryers on acid succumbing to spring fever (it finally got above 50 degrees today!) echoing through the house.
Apparently the old dog became a bit freaked by the racket as Chris actually got up (he usually sleeps 'til well-past noon) to let him outside.

I got home from work at about 6:00. The house was dark, the porch light was on and the front door was locked meaning, duh, Chris wasn't home. I went into the house, went upstairs, and found the step ladder set beneath the access portal to the crawlspace. Beside the ladder was Chris' shot gun.

About an hour later Chris came home. "Doin' a little squirrel hunting?" I asked.

"Tried to," he said. "We gotta do something about this. They ran around like crazy this morning for hours! I can't stand it anymore."

Chris prepared some paper bags (cut slits into them) to put the mothballs that were still in the openned boxes that they came in (I set them up just insdie the crawlspace -- about seven boxes -- in the fall) so's he could toss them around. Maybe stirring up the mothballs would let off a stronger stench and affect the air quality in the attic.

I went online to see what I could find. As suspected: the best way to get rid of squirrels is to wait 'til spring (April, or so) and, when they're out climbing trees, set up trap cages. Once they're trapped you gotta then drive them to someplace at least 5 miles away or else they'll find their way back to the attic.
I suppose we could get some traps to set up there, but, like I said: I-I-I-I'm not climbing up into that feces infested chamber of death...

Then there were the usual testimonials to using mothballs (tried it, doesn't work), amonia (tried it, doesn't work) and annoying music on a radio placed in the crawlspace (tried it, didn't work and annoyed the hell outta me).

Then I came across something I hadn't read before: fox urine. Seems that squirrels are instinctively afraid of foxes and will avoid anywhere that they can smell their "mark".
"That might be worth a try," I thought just as a knock came on my bedroom door. "Yo!" I called.

"C'm'ere a minute!"

"Hold this bag up," Chris said as he stood atop the step ladder with his head poking into the crawlspace. "There's a dead one right there; I'm gonna drop it into the bag."

Yecch!!! He picked up the squirrel and put it in the bag that I was holding over my head as I looked at the floor.

"I thought it was asleep for a second and threw some mothballs at it," Chris explained as he climbed back down the ladder and took the bag from me. "Then I knew it was dead. Looks pretty fresh," he muttered, peering in at the ex-squirrel. "What should I do with it?"

"Toss it..." stammered I, pointing my finger in various directions, "over there, in the overgrowth."

Chris got rid of the corpse and I went back online. It's now almost 11:00 and I haven't heard so much as a paw-step, scratch, or coo from above.
I don't expect that these large Eastern Gray Squirrels will be phased for long by the aroma of freshly stirred-up mothballs, but it might be nice if, at least, tomorrow morning is a little more quiet than this morning was. I wonder if the local pet stores have any foxes I could borrow for a month or two.

UPDATE: This is everything I know about the red fox. That's the best thing about the internet: You don't have to just sit and wonder about stuff anymore. Ain't edumacation wonderble? :D

Posted by Tuning Spork at 10:50 PM | Comments (4)
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