July 17, 2004

Can we talk?

Since the clutch on my truck burned out a few weeks ago I've been riding the bus to work. (My ordeal with the tow service and the police on i-95 may be fodder for a future post, but we'll let that 2 1/2 hour wait slide for now...) I seem to be blogging in rant mode lately. Oh well.

Here's some quick advice to my fellow bus patrons:

Get up for old ladies!

If all of the seats are filled and an old lady is staggering onto the bus: lift yer head out of that magazine and yer ass out of that seat and stop pretending that you haven't noticed her.

Hang up the damn phone!

Either talk more quietly or shut the fuck up. None of us are interested in your kids' latest traumas or yer girlfriend's yeast infection. Unless it's a life or death emergency: shut. up.

Don't talk to yer friends half-way across the bus!

Oh, you've noticed a rider that you know. How wonderful for you!
Wanna have a chat with her? Fine. Get off yer seat and find one eminently closer to her! I don't give a rat's ass about hearing about how Sara's dealing with yer f'd up idea of parenting. Got it?

Don't sit in the aisle seat when the window seat is empty!

We all know what yer up to. You want to be alone on the bus. Guess what, pally: you ain't. Yer gonna either brave the shame with the rest of us or suffer the slings and arrows of dirty looks from people who are better than you'll ever be and who'll live greater lives than you'll ever understand.

Bathe regularly!

It might be news to you but you stink. Take a shower.

My quick advice for bus drivers:

Get off the phone!

Don't run over and destroy the police pylons in a construction zone just because you just HAD to -- and would simply DIE if you DIDN'T -- ask yer buddy when you were gonna go fishing next.

Read and keep to the schedule!

When I ask you if this the 6:20 or the 6:35: don't tell me it's the "6:30". The Coastal Link isn't on the 20-minute schedule anymore. Don't you dare tell me yer driving a phantom bus.

If you ask if anyone is getting off at this stop and you get no response: the answer is "NO".
Don't keep shouting out the question. Don't grab yer CB-type mictrophone thingy Silence means "no" and don't make me shout "Doesn't look like it!" again.

If an old lady with two arm-loads of groceries gets on the bus: Wait until she sits down before you start moving the bus!

I had someone's gramma fall into my lap just 'cuz the driver jerked the bus onward before she had time to take a seat. Everyone kinda giggled because she landed so safely, but it could have been a lot worse.
If yer gonna have a rule that evryone must be seated when the bus is moving then don't move the damn bus until everyone is seated.

Drive smoothly!

You're the only one on the bus who's wearing a seatbelt. Remember that the next time you challenge that hairpin turn, m'kay? I want my coffee in my mouth not my lap.

Thank you. That is all. For now, mheh.


Posted by Tuning Spork at July 17, 2004 12:06 AM

What's your schedule?

I usually hit 95 for Milford at about 8:00. If I get to the office a little later once or twice, no one is likely to notice or care too much.

I have less flexibility on the way home. I have to pick-up at daycare by 5:20.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at July 17, 2004 07:12 PM

That was a first class rant. I take my hat off to you. I'm very impressed.

Posted by: Random Penseur at July 18, 2004 06:22 AM
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