BLATHER REVIEW

Rocketing around Erotica: A Fisking

Has a Munuvian ever fisked another Munuvian? I doubt it. It'd be kinda like a democracy battling another democracy. T'ain't never happened and t'ain't gonna happen, right?

WRONG!!

Welcome to the future. Ted has posted a post of his post about:

25 Things Men Shouldn't Find Sexy, But Do

...and I'm just gonna suck on a cigarette and chime in and out with my own canardical observations.

1. BIKE SEATS
Their primary purpose is to be straddled. Is it any wonder we want to be reincarnated as one?

Okay, I can see this one. But it's best fitted on a bike wherein you can choose just the right speed.

2. GIRLS FIGHTING
Cursing, crying, pulling hair, throwing drinks, abusing bathroom attendants and being convicted of assault: sexy. A mug shot with a tear-streaked face: even sexier.

Nah. Violent girls are even scarier than violent guys. At least guys tell you they're gonna hit you before they hit you.
Girl on girl violence is sexy? Don't get it.

3. THE AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE YOU HEAR WHEN YOU DIAL 4-1-1
"I think you said, 'Spank me hard.' Is this correct? To confirm, press 1 or say yes."

Y-y-y-ye-s-s-s! The mechanical geisha! "I think you said, 'I like to watch.' Is that correct?"
Ted, yer golden on that one.

4. GYNECOLOGY
Very serious matter, seven years of training, blah, blah, blah...We just want a set of those stirrup things. Think they can be rented for private parties?

Er... trying... Nope, not quite there. Maybe it's my aversion to the smell of a doctor's office. "Playing doctor" has always meant painful misguided needles to the bone t' me...

5. LEOPARD PRINTS
Because they say, "I really do not care." Just add vodka and Bon Jovi for a down-and-dirty good time.

Maybe it's just 'cuz o'my days as an early punk rocker, but leopard-skin went passe sometime in '78.

Now, mid-'80s printed pants... that's sexy!

6. OUR FRIENDS' MOMS They were hot when we were 13 and didn't know any better. Then we grew out of it - only to grow back into it. We were right the first time.

The older I/she get/s, the more I think I was right the second time.

But we'll always have Parents the First Time.

7. GIRLS HUGGING
Look! Their nipples are almost touching! Damn those blouses!

Hmmm, never thought of that one before. I'll pay closer attention next time. ;)

8. WOMEN DRESSED AS MEN
Either lolling around in our shirts the morning after or doing the full drawn-on-mustache cigar-suit thing. It's like Groucho Marx with a vagina.

Walking around in our shirts the next morning is sexy. Drawn-on mustache is not sexy. I've never had a desiren to fuck Groucho Marx.

9. SHOE-STORE EMPLOYEES TYING YOUR LACES
It was the most mind-blowingly erotic experience of our young lives. Now we have to buy $500 shoes for the pleasure. At least we're smart enough to ask for double knots.

Wowee, a winner! Just a kid watching and feeling the tugs as that pretty 20-yr-old older woman tied my laces was a thrill beyond belief! Luckily I wasn't old enough to accidentally let it show!

10. FEMALE BARTENDERS
If we passed them on the street, we wouldn't look twice. But put them in a dark room and in charge of beer and suddenly we're babbling idiots. And not just because we're wasted out of our mind. Well, it's not totally because we're wasted out of our mind.

Yes! So many downright homely women that looked quite fetching behind the bar. It was never about beauty, it was about service. Service that includes beer. And harmless risgue banter. And tips. Crikey, what in the world are we describing....?!

11. FEMALE POLICE OFFICERS
Beneath the stern expression, starched shirt and firearm is the soft, yielding, lightly scented flesh of a woman. A woman who could shoot us if we looked at her the wrong way. Ideally, while we're handcuffed to the headboard.

I know what you mean, but, nope. The female oficrers I've had contact with all reminded me of that female drill sargeant I had briefly. Shemale to the bone. Female police officers have struck me as seeming to be looking for a fight.

Female officers: You may need to extra-specially establish dominance in a given situation due to your fairer countenance. We know that. But, geeze, can you not be such a bitch about it?!

12. PREGNANT WOMEN
Because their boobs get even bigger. And because they're broadcasting to the entire world that they just had sex.

Wow. Again, I never thought of it that way.

Maybe it's just my upbringing telling me that a mother is (paradixically) virginal.
Or maybe I just can't find a good reason to have a thing for women whose walking around carrying another man's son or daughter.

Nope. Pregnant women are the opposite of sexy. I think you're just being wierd on this one! :P

13. FAT GIRLS
We come for the cleavage. We stay for the sex. We leave in shame - satiated shame.

I'll never understand "the booty call". I like a tight round butt. I like curvey firmly softness: a well-toned sponge.
FAT GIRLS? They were the ones who followed me around in school. They were good girls, and even cute sometimes. But, erm, I might've liked 'em better if they'd stopped following me around.

14. SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORMS
Especially when worn by Japanese girls. White socks optional. Pigtails essential. It's not a fetish if 100 percent of men like it - it's a law of nature.

Aah, highschool fantasies can yet come to life!

Remember your first love? How sweet and magical it seemed?

Funk that! Remember your first hard-on?! That's what school was all about, eh?!

15. JESSICA RABBIT
If she lets a stuttering bunny take a crack at her, it means we might actually have a chance. But unfortunately, we're not a cartoon. Hear that, Lucy Van Pelt? There's no way that's our baby!

Sorry. Saw the movie and can't even meet ya halfway there. "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way". That line was just as drawn as she was. "Jessica"'s a 'toon and a 'toon will never be anything but a cartoonist's attempt to draw a woman.

Fun but dumb.

16. HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES
Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong? Know what? Watch a female ape eat a banana and get back to us.

Her director told her that her role was to be "incredibly beautiful and incredibly stupid." No wonder we still love her!

17. CONDOM INSTRUCTIONS
Not that we need instruction, but the detailed language and explicit diagrams make us want to try it right now. (And don't think we won't.) They're also good for a little light bathroom reading.

..next..!

18. WOMEN WHO HATE US
Particularly if they've belittled us in front of our friends, called us ugly and/or gay and are going out with much better-looking, manlier men than us. Those girls are as hot as our confidence is shattered.

Nope. Don't understand that bantar at all.....

19. CAROLYN FROM THE APPRENTICE
She's like a female cop, but with an extra dash of fascism.

Never saw the show. Next!

20. LINGERIE DEPARTMENTS
Not the lingerie itself, but rather the notion that we might get a sales girl so wildly turned on by our blithely fingering the same undies she's wearing that she has to enact her fantasy of raunchy sex with a total stranger in the nearest dressing room. (Preferably, that stranger would be us.)

Okay, now you're just projecting.

Or not.

I wouldn't know... ;)

21. BURQAS
We hear that women who wear them also sport ultrasexy lingerie underneath, reserved for the eyes of their husbands. Now that's all we can think about. Allah, please forgive us! And angry husbands, don't stone us!

Again: I wouldn't know.

22. TAN LINES
The pale parts look even more naked next to the tanned parts. This also works with sock marks and bra indentations.

Darn it. Gotta disagree again. Tan lines, to me, signal only otherly-indulgence; a world that I'm not a part of. Look the same all over and at least I know that I just might be the only one seeing everything!

23. FEMALE COLLEAGUES BENDING OVER
You respect her. She respects you. Then you stare at her ass crack like it's the Grand Canyon.

To this day I'll never understand why women still bnd over when they oughtta just squat.

24. VISIBLE PANTY LINES
Because they're visible! And they're panties!

Yet another that I'm sure I don't get. I don't want women wearing panties! I want them nekkid! "Panty lines" are the opposite of what I want, and I find them to be tacky; carelessly unbeautiful.

25. HORSEBACK RIDING
Expert thighs clamped around hard, quivering muscle? Ass-whipping? Steamy snorting? Notorious for giving young women their first orgasms? Bareback and mounting? If that's not sublimated sex, then neither is Kathy Bates' nude hot-tub scene in About Schmidt.

Now there's something we can agree on!
Gals on horseback are as sexy as whipped cream and cherries... on horseback with gals.

That's all, folks. Except that there's more!

And as an added bonus, in the extended entry are Five Things We Should Find Sexy...But Don't.

1. FEMALE EJACULATION
The only thing she should be squirting is perfume. Or mace.

I've heard term term "female ejaculation" and still, for the life o' me, don't know what the $#%^@ it means.

2. SEX AND THE CITY
One's an actual lesbian, and they don't even work it in? We wuz robbed!

Never saw the show.

3. WOMEN WHO LIKE FOOTBALL
Next thing you know, they'll be farting and stealing our Cheetos.

I kinda like women who aren't afraid to fart. I'd never wanna fuck one of 'em of course...

4. SPOONING
Cuddling is only hot when penetration is involved.

I have no farkin' idea of what "spooning" is. Dare I ask?

5. JULIA ROBERTS Unless you have a horse fetish.

Julia Roberts? Oh, she seemed pretty way back when. But I still have no clue about what she looks like from the neck down. There's probably a reason for that. She's an "act-tresss..."

Let's just agree (however painful it might be) to look at the women in Vogue and then to look at the women in Penthouse. They're different. The women in Penthouse have curves and boobs and butts!
Which mag would Julia Roberts most likely be featured in?!

Posted by Tuning Spork at December 15, 2004 02:13 AM