May 02, 2004

ME ( pt 1)

So, I waa sitting there:
12 years old and sitting in my mother's chair and worried about stuff.

Well, I had no reason to worry. I hadn't lied to my mother in a while.
I sat there trying to relax myself and convince myself that I had nothing to worry about. A whole evening free from stress! What a gift for myself!!

Why? Because the future builds only on the present and the past. And the present and past -- when I was 12 -- weren't lookin' like much to build on at the time.

I was lost in a world of bullies and brains and jocks and geeks and me. To suggest that I was merely "disinterested" might even be flattering. But, alas, I was merely disconnected.

I was never a part of any "crowd". I was always me.. alone.

I joined the Cub Scouts when I was 8 and in 3rd grade. I liked the uniform. Did I join because my mom thought it was a good idea? Nope. It was my idea.
Then I wanted to play in the Little League. My mom asked me "How are you gonna do that?"
"I don't know," I said
:"Well,, neither do I" she commanded.
I never played Little League.

If there's one thing my mother understands it's cold-hearted abandonment. And apples don't fall far from the tree...

About ten years ago my elder sister, J, asked our father why, exactly, our parents had seperated so early on in their marriage. He told some lame-o story about how our mom got herself pregnant by some phantom friend of theirs.
But since I have a half-brother who's only 3 years younger than I -- and, as best I can reconstruct -- he left us when I was about 2: methinks that dear ol' dad has not only left his first family for a second, but that he's unfairly tried to shift the blame to someone else (namely: Mom).

Don't to my sister, Daddi-0.

My grandmother (my mother's mother) used to say (when we were kids): "Don't hate your father...!"

As a kid I never knew why she kept saying that. As a sorry excuse for a man I know: She wanted us to believe that parents are to be cherished at least as much as Life itself... and/or - take yer pick - children......

- - - - - -

I've earned almost nothing that I have. The computer I post this on was a gift from a friend. The TV that's playing in the background was the gift of a friend. The bed that I sleep on is made up of cushions from a sofa that was given to me by a friend's father.

That I have survived this long in this old world amazes me.

If I ever do destroy myself, it's only because I was never anyone that mattered in the first place.

Gawd, I hate when when I think like this... ;)

UPDATE Yikes! I re-read this and it sounds like a frickin' suicide note! IT'S NOT!!!
I just wish I had some kinda realistic goal in life is all.!! Is that so wro-o-o-o-ng...?"

Posted by Tuning Spork at May 2, 2004 12:33 AM

I recommend action. Specifically taking a chance - on yourself. If you go out on a limb and fall off there are people who will be there to catch you, or at least get you back on you feet and give you a leg up back into the tree. Don't just sit and wait for the tree to fall on your head.

also - teriyaki glazed beef and green beans

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at May 2, 2004 09:54 AM

You need to be needed. Find a community that needs you and sign up: The Army, a church, Peace Corps, Habitat for Humanity, whatever. Nothing gets you up in the morning like knowing that someone else is counting on you to come through.

Vaya con Dios, Amigo

Posted by: Dave at May 2, 2004 01:36 PM

Thanks guys! Looks like I was in a pretty down mood last night, mheh.
No beef teriyaki tonight, Stephen. Meatballs over linguini!! :D

Posted by: Tuning Spork at May 2, 2004 06:14 PM

Meatballs over linguini sounds pretty damn good to me.

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at May 2, 2004 09:37 PM

Dave and Stephen make sense.

Posted by: Ted at May 4, 2004 07:20 AM

Wow, That's the first time anyone's said that about me!

Posted by: Stephen Macklin at May 4, 2004 02:42 PM

Somehow I doubt that Stephen. :)

Posted by: Ted at May 6, 2004 08:04 AM
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