BLATHER REVIEW

CroNuts

I work next door to a Krispy Kreme Doughnut shop. If you're unfamiliar with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, here's the dish:

These things are made by Santa's Satan's elves. They're made with lard, and come out so fluffy that they're mostly empty space. A Dunkin' Donut is like a bran muffin compared to Krispy Kremes. They're served hot (warm, anyway) and you can eat half a dozen of these and still feel like you've only smelled 'em.
The glaze is moist and sticky; like a fresh coat of paint, only a tad flakey... and made out of sugar.

So anyway, I stepped outside to grab one of the four cigarettes per day that I allow myself while working and noticed a flock of crows maniacally chasing each other above my parking lot. Several sets of 7-10 crows chasing another.
I then noticed that each of the chased crows had a piece of Krispy Kreme doughnut in it's beak.

I saw 15-20 crows perched along the edge of Krispy Kreme's dumpster; alternately jumping in and then out of it with a piece of doughnut. Another chase would ensue.

One crow took a hard evasive maneuver right near and above me, and dropped his doughnut portion on the pavement about six feet away. 10-15 crows swooped down to grab the sinfully sweet morsel. But, it being only a few feet from me, none of them dared to get quite near enough to grab it.

I backed off about three feet or so. Again they contested each other to be the one to snatch it, but, still with only less than ten feet between us, the flight impulse seemed to keep overruling the fighting spirit.

Then one brave crow descended from the opposite direction, took the confectionary treat and set off to my left. 20 crows immediately began the pursuit; swooshing right past me... some as close as three or four feet.
(When 20 crows push themselves past you that close, you can hear their feathers rustling loud and clear! Cool!!)

Then, seemingly suddenly, some crows began flying nearer to me; coming almost directly toward me only to pull up at about five or six feet away from me.
"Uh oh," I thought, "They're testing me now." My willingness to stand still while they tried to grab the piece of doughnut seemed to have emboldened them to see just how close they could get to me with impunity. If I let this go on then, surely, they'd swoop down at me -- and others -- with a brazen arrogance that they've heretofore been too afraid to dare dream possible. So, I asked myself, "What would Alfred Hitchcock do?"

Four crows began approaching from my left; I swear they were looking right at me. I waited 'til they were within ten feet or so.
"BOO!!!" I shouted, thrusting my arms in the air. Have you ever seen crows startled by something? They almost seem to fly upside-down. It's really funny.

I was able to finish my cigarette in peace as I watched the manic chases performed by these crazy birds on their sugar high. But, more than that, I'd decided that the next doughnut that one of these crows drops in front me
is mine, sucka.

Posted by Tuning Spork at November 25, 2003 07:48 PM