BLATHER REVIEW

You asked, Osama answers

Okay, you didn't ask, via JenLars, these questions of Osama Bin Ladin. But, through the magic of the Ouiji Board from Parker Brothers and some logistics help from Newsweek, he answered them anyway!

What were your parents smoking when they named you and where can I get some of it?

My mother and my father, being the good Shariah-abiding Muslims that they are, do not smoke cigarettes. So, the answer is, undoubtedly, pot.

Seriously, why so purple? How about a nice muted lavendar?

Now, let's get this straight: My turban is NOT purple; it's violet.
I was tired of not being able to keep the white rag clean and bright, what with all the dirt, sand and cordite around this cave, so I switched to violet. Though I am considering a move to a nice winter-sky indigo. Do you think that would clash with this yellowcake?

The Big Bang theory essentially states that the Universe came into being out of nothing. Can an effect without cause be a scientific conclusion?

Yes. Just look at the science of sociology, or abnormal psychology. The rage that sets a wealthy Saudi oil heir to murdering innocent bystanders for no reason that they, the victims, could possibly be held accountable for is a perfect example.
Of course, the "cause" of the Big Bang is Allah; the same god that has told me to kill you as soon as this interview is concluded. Why does Allah want me to kill you? Do not question Allah.

Frank J has gone on record as thinking you make up all your stories. How do you respond?

Through the use of long dormant, loosely affiliated, sleeper cells scattered throughout the sprawled limbs of the infidel beast.

If you could secretly kidnap and torture one "world leader" who would it be and what would you do to him or her? Would you leave them alive or dead?

I've always had my eye on that hussy, Queen Nor. I mean, it's bad enough that she went to school, but now she walks around and even appears on television with her face all naked and stuff. What a tramp. Dead.
Oh, and Yassir Arafat. That guy blows people up on city buses while talking about peace. Just shut up and kill infidels, you two-faced liar! And what's with that rag on his head? It looks like the tablecloth from the cover of the Better Homes and Gardens cookbook...

What is the worst thing you've ever done to someone?

I once hummed the tune to "Peace Train" in front of my mother. I made her weep. *sniff* I was such a hellion when I was a teenager.

Would you give up your penis for a Hall Of Fame baseball career?

My wives would be very disappointed if I were to play baseball. We'll just have to make due with mass murder and the accompanying erections.

If I moved to Sweden, would I still have to hear about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez? In other words, is pop culture different there?

Maybe it wont be Ben and J-Lo, but the cancer that infects the cultural wasteland of the Satanic world would be just as destructive to your spiritual health. My best advice is that you, and all non-true-Muslims, must turn away from the decadence of pop culture and affect docile servitude to theocratic tyrany before I kill you. It's your only hope.

What's with the giant udder?

It's the result of a biological weapons experiment that went horribly wrong. Please avert your gaze and mention it to no one.

Tell us about your troubled past. Specifically that mess with Madonna and Britney. How is it that you've escaped the paparazzi on this one?

By killing them, and anyone else who knows about it.

Uh-oh...

I can wait.

What do you think about movies with intermissions in them?

So much poison that they have to give it to you in two doses... I'll have to work that into my repertoire.

What are the top 5 reasons to own a crossbow?

1) To kill infidels, 2) to kill heretics, 3) to kill secularists, 4) to kill renegades, and 5) to work on hand-eye coordination... it's a useful skill to have when you wanna kill people.

What scandalous thing that you've committed while blitzed has had the farthest-reaching repercussions?

It must be that time I humped Mulah Omar in the dark cave thinking it was one of my wives. The guys kid me about it to this day. "Hey, Osama, is that a box cutter in your pants or are you happy to see me?!" *chuckle* Oh, I'm never gonna live that one down...

Just between the two of us, Stan is jealous of you, isn't he?

Probably. But I've always encouraged him to find his niche. I've worked hard to get where I am, but we can't all be homocidal maniacs. Besides, I always remind him that envy is a mortal sin and I don't want to have to do Allah's work 24-7, y'know? So, maybe Stan should just stay away from me for a while.

Well, thank you for answering these questions, Osama. It's been very enlightening.

You're welcome. Now hold still while I set this cross-bow...

[It was at this point that I activated the site-to-site transport as perfected during the Philidelphia experiment. In a few seconds I was back in Connecticut, sitting at my computer, with no discernible side effects other than this giant udder.]

Posted by Tuning Spork at November 20, 2003 03:38 PM