March 01, 2003

opinion poll confirms: most people are morons

A Blather Review-CVS poll conducted over the past week reveals that most Americans are surprisingly stupid. Some are more thick-headed in certain area, some in others, and still others are blithering idiots across the board.

The poll, conducted on site by unemployable post-grad english majors while loitering outside of CVS Pharmacies across the country, reflects the views of 1,483 passersby who seemed to have nowhere in particular to go.

The first question asked respondents if President Bush "should seek a 19th Resolution from the U.N. Security Council authorizing the use of military force in Iraq." The results largely in accordence with expectation;

52% Yes
33% No
15% Not sure

When asked if they were aware that the 18th Resolution, res. 1441, had already authorized military force in Iraq, they answered

51% No
37% What?
9% Yes
3% Not sure

The responses to next question; "Do you fear that an engagement in Iraq might become another Vietnam?", showed that concerns run deep with respect to our ability to accomplish the military goals in a timely manner;

73% Yes
12% No
15% Not sure

When asked then to name one man who was U.S. President during the Vietnam War, the responses were many, and usually given in more of a questioning rather than answering tone, and accompanied by a far away stare evoking the sound of crickets, or tha image of tumbleweeds rolling wistfully down the main street of a desolate 19th century ghost town.

15% Ronald Reagan
13% John F Kennedy
11% Abraham Lincoln
10% Richard Nixon
8% George Bush
7% John F. Kennedy Jr
7% Martin Luther King Jr
6% Martin Sheen
6% Charlton Heston
5% Alfred E. Neuman
4% Viet Nam
3% Winston Churchill
2% Paul Bunyon
2% Larry Storch
1% Lyndon Johnson

Switching gears, the pollsters next asked "Should the individual right to keep and bear arms continue to be guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution?" , and the respondents replied

53% No
28% Yes
19% Not sure

And when asked if they "believed that space aliens had crash landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947" they replied

61% Yes
37% Not sure
2% No

And to the follow-up question "What's that behind you ?", the responses were, unsurprisingly;

10% My ass
7% A hole in the ground
83% Not sure

Respondents were then given a list of things and events and asked to identify fiction from non-fiction. The results:

fact/fiction/not sure

38% 41% 21% Loch Ness Monster
41% 40% 19% Freedom to excercize religeon
63% 6% 31% Alien Autposy photos
8% 77% 15% Oswald killed Kennedy
39% 52% 9% Moon landing was a NASA hoax
82% 11% 7% Al Gore won in 2000
3% 3% 94% Abortion ends a human life
17% 62% 21% Global Warning
68% 14% 8% Bruce Springsteen works for minimum wage in a steel mill in rural Ohio

Noting that the poll results show that those who say they believe that the Judicial Branch of government has authority to overturn legislation it finds personally disagreeable (72%), also believe that the statues on Easter Island were erected by ancient visitors from the Pliaedes star system (73%), seems to support the conclusion that, as we've all suspected for a long long time: we're largely a society of dumb-ass mush-heads.

But perhaps the most disturbing result of the poll is the answer given to the final question, "Would you like to see America become a true Democracy, governed by the will of the people as determined by referenda and/or opinion poll results?"

73% Yes
22% Not sure
5% No

This poll is unscientific and has a margin of error of +/-97%.

Posted by Tuning Spork at March 1, 2003 06:23 PM
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